One Month Ago

One Month Ago...

Time passes so quickly. I remember when I was little and people would tell me not to wish my life away I just thought they were silly old people who didn't really know what they were talking about. Now I get it. Every year seems to go faster than the one before...and already one whole month of Noah's first year is gone, a memory. To be honest it is starting to feel like Noah has been here for at least a month. He has quickly become part of the family and I am starting to forget what my days were like before I had to nurse every three hours and change 10 poopy diapers a day. My days are certainly more chaotic now and definitely busier, but also more fulfilling. So one month ago today I was in labor, probably getting my epidural about right now. In about an hour and a half from right now I met Noah for the first time, and my heart magically doubled in size as I became the mom to two precious little boys.

This weekend was very busy. Friday night our friends were staying in a hotel in the area so we got pizza and went there that evening and swam for awhile. Saturday I dropped Landon off at my mom's so that Jonathan and I could spend the day staining the deck. Oh my goodness...I just have to say...that is a MUCH bigger job than I anticipated. Much bigger. We spent the majority of the day cutting in the rails and doing the underside work. We got a lot done, especially since we did not have Landon, but we still had a ton more to do. That evening we got cleaned up and met Annelee (watchmefadeto100)and her husband, Jonathan who were vacationing in the area. We went to a fun dinner at the Irish pub and ate outside, after which we got some yummy ice cream and walked around downtown a bit, and finished the evening by watching the sunset over Lake Michigan. I had a feeling Annelee and I would be great friends in person, just as online, and we were so right. She is a wonderful person with SUCH personality. I only wish we lived closer and could do fun things together all of the time. But alas, she is moving to Washington, a country away, but at least she will be near her family, which ultimately is the best support system one can ever have...so xanga will have to suffice  Anyway, it was an absolutely wonderful evening and I am so thrilled to have been able to meet her in person!

Sunday we worked on the deck some more and got a lot more done, but we still have a ways to go. So...this evening and the next and probably the next that is what we will be doing. What is done looks great though. I can't wait to see the finished product! After spending the day on the deck, we cleaned up and met my parents in a little town nearby that is right on the water. We had fresh strawberry shortcake and watched the boats go by. It was such a beautiful evening and I even brought a pumped bottle for my mom to give Noah...which she thoroughly enjoyed. Grandma's love to feed babies for some reason.

Amy called me on Friday to tell me that Noah's newborn pics were done. I don't want to post the password  bc I don't know who all reads this, but if you want to see the pics let me know and I will message you or comment you the password. They are, of course, beautiful. She gives us such a priceless gift and I am so grateful to have these beautiful memories that she freezes in time for us.

So here I sit, on a gorgeous June afternoon. Landon is playing downstairs, Noah is asleep in his swing and my house is quiet. An hour ago chaos reigned, but right now, it is quiet. Noah gave me his first smile last night. It was the big, open mouth kind. I felt my heart just leap when he did it. All of the work, all of the sleep deprivation...all of it...was validated in that one moment when Noah looked into my eyes and smiled as if to say, "I love you Mom, and I am so happy to be yours!"

Trucking Along 6-7-07

Trucking Along

My to-do list has gone down just a bit, and man does it ever feel good. Wednesday I got half of my thank-you's written (I have yet to get stamps and send them....but still), five loads of laundry done, and a trip to Target accomplished. Thursday I got both bathrooms cleaned, all floors mopped (I finished that at midnight last night, but it was worth it), strawberry shortcake made, and two more thank you's written. Oh yeah, and I even got brave and took both boys to the library yesterday morning! So, my list is slowly dwindling, and it really does feel good. The bad thing about housework though, is that as soon as it is done it begins to need to be done again. I no sooner get the laundry basket empty then someone puts something new in it. I get the floors mopped at midnight and by 8 am it has coco wheats spilled all over it. Oh well...

Many of you suggested awhile back that I keep Noah more upright while feeding him to cut down on his spit-up problem. That seemed to work really well. In the past week he has started to have some serious problems swallowing too much air when he eats. This makes gas bubbles and a not-so-happy baby. My sister in law suggested I try a new hold while nursing, so I tried that yesterday. It did cut down on the air swallowing problem, but he spits up at least three times more than the cradle hold. Last night I gave him his first bottle. The feeding went so well...no gas bubbles, no arched back, very little spit up...and he ate it quick and painlessly. Makes me wish I could just do that all of the time, but I think it would be a pain to constantly pump every three hours.I know I just need to call a lactation consultant, but for whatever reason, I can't make the call. Don't ask me why...I have no idea why. I just don't want to...but I know I need to.

I am meeting a new xanga friend this weekend. I am so excited. Watchmefadeto100 is here with her husband for a little vacation before the birth of their little guy and their big move across the country. Tomorrow evening Jonathan and I are meeting them for dinner and ice cream in this nearby resort town. We are leaving Landon with my parents. I think it will be a ton of fun! I love meeting new people, although when you talk to someone so much online it kind of feels like you already know them.

So Jonathan and I had a slight disagreement the other night. We never really resolved it and then last night he came in the bedroom to talk to me about it. We got it totally resolved, but at the end of the discussion he challenged me that he would like to see some growth in my ability to communicate through disagreements and seek resolution, especially considering that I am going to be a counselor and I will eventually be teaching others how to do this. He is right, I know it. I am terrible at resolving and even talking about arguments...I would just rather let it go. I know this is unhealthy, and for me, it is mostly a pride issue. I typically don't argue with anyone, ever, aside from my husband. I am just not that type of person. But with him, when I am angry or upset I tend to stuff things down until they eventually erupt. I recognize the unhealthy pattern, I know where it stems from, I know what to do to improve it, and all that really stands in my way is my own pride and selfishness. I am glad that my husband cares enough to challenge me in all areas of my life. It is not always easy to hear or to take, especially coming from him, but I appreciate it nonetheless and I can recognize that it comes from his love for me. And ultimately, everything he said is absolutely right on. Guess he really does know me 

Jonathan is staining our deck this weekend. I have been looking forward to this for over a year. I am so excited and it is going to look so great! After he is done, we will begin our search for the perfect patio set so we can enjoy the beautiful summer weather for breakfast, lunch and dinner   Well, my time is up. Have a great weekend, friends!

A New Day Has Dawned 6-5-07

A New Day Has Dawned

To contrast my previous two posts, I just want to quickly say that today has been an absolutely wonderful day. Noah slept really well last night...only up to feed at 3 and 7 and both times went without issue and he went right back to sleep...PRAISE THE LORD. It is absolutely amazing what a bit of sleep will do for one's spirits. I felt so much better today just from the good nights sleep. Today we had no where to go, so I slowly crossed things off of my list...made my 6 week check up appt, called my brother to wish him a happy birthday, wrote two of the twenty emails I have to reply to, cleaned my kitchen, pumped FOUR whole ounces of milk, got myself and the kids dressed and fed, actually made dinner tonight, and my neighbor unexpectedly watched the kids for an hour so I could even go get groceries this afternoon. I cannot even tell you how good it felt to get those few things done. Productivity and sleep = one happy mama. Tomorrow my mom is coming in the morning and I plan to get A LOT done. I will feel so much better once I can get my thank you's written and some of the emails replied to. So much better.
So I was going to call the lactation consultant today about Noah, but ever since last night his feedings have been going so much better. We shall see how tonight goes. I can always call tomorrow if he reverts back. Either way, he has been so much happier today and so precious. He was alert and looking around a few times, and I may have even saw a smile, but I am not sure, so I will just treasure it in my heart until the real deal comes along. I have to say...I love this little guy.
Landon has been hilarious today. At one point he asked me why I did something and I said I didn't know why. To which, he retorted, "Mama, you are going NUTS!" I laughed so hard and assured him that he is absolutely right. 
Last week Landon found a cement mixer truck that he really wanted at Meijer. Jonathan decided it is time to start teaching him about earning and saving money, so he told Landon if he did jobs he could earn enough to buy that mixer sometime soon. Ever since, Landon has been CONSTANTLY asking me for jobs...so much so that I cannot think of enough to give him. There isn't that much that a three year old can do, especially unsupervised. Anyway, this morning after I was done eating my cereal, I put my bowl and cup on the floor while I held Noah. About a moment later Landon came over, grabbed the dishes, took them to the kitchen, opened the dishwasher and put them in, closed it and came back into the living room. I was astonished and told him that was a VERY kind thing to do and that he earned a quarter just for doing a random act of kindness. He didn't ask for money...he just did it to be helpful and in the process, warmed my heart in a HUGE way. This whole earning/saving thing looks like it is teaching him even more than we bargained for....in a wonderful way.
So many of you have told me that you are praying for me. My life is chaotic right now, but it is so beautiful and precious. My outlook and mood and emotions seem to fluctuate by the day (often depending on sleep) and sometimes even by the hour, but ultimately I really have sensed a strength that is not my own. I know that this is the Lord, and I know that your prayers and encouragement are a huge part of this. Thank you, once again, for coming alongside of us at this time and going through this journey with us. You are precious, dear friends, and I just love you!
To celebrate how wonderful this day has been I bought ice cream and cones at the store today. Two of my three men are just about done mowing the lawn (Jon walks out front and Landon follows with his mower...TOO cute!) so I am going to go get our cones ready. As for today...all is right with the world. No matter what tomorrow holds, I really do know that it will circle around and come back to this. Life is all about the ebb and flow of trials mixed with joy. For this exact moment, I am revelling in my joy 

The Good the Bad and The Ugly 6-4-07

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

For two whole weeks I was trucking along loving life and thinking I had such a great handle on my new life. I knew how much more diffiuclt it could have been, but I thought I had been dealt a perfect wild card and that all was right with the world. Then week three hit. Landon got sick, Noah got fussy, feeding problems started, and exhaustion has set it. I have so much I COULD blog about, but not enough time to ever sit here and do it. Seriously, for the first time in my life I feel lucky to get a shower in, really lucky to get my breakfast eaten in one sitting, and all dreams of a clean house have been forsaken. This is a season of my life...I know that. I am not complaining...not really. I am admitting that this adjustment is not easy anymore. That I am not handling it perfectly. That sometimes the baby is screaming and I don't have any idea why. That I need to call the lactation consultant bc Noah can't get through a feeding without choking, swallowing too much air, puking almost everything up, and screaming his head off bc his belly hurts, and that I feel run ragged and totally consumed by breast pumps (which I cannot get mine working), cough medicine, puke bowls (Landon still gets those coughing spells that cause him to lose his stomach contents), laundry, and everyday life.
Despite this, I am trying to be eveyrthing to everyone  Thats me...perfectionism and people pleasing is my game. We went on a family vacation Friday to Sunday. We decided to chance it simply bc we have never taken Landon anywhere special before and because we really needed out of the house. So on Thursday evening we decided, got groceries, did laundry, packed, and left for Chicago early Friday morning (I loved all of your suggestions but given that Landon was still a little sick and it was still unknown if Noah would get it or not, we wanted to stay relatively close). We got bagels and coffee and hit the road. Landon was great in the car...so was Noah. Once we hit the city there were trains everywhere and if we had done nothing else Landon would have been the happiest kid ever. He loves trains...so he was just enamored with them all. We went to the zoo first which was also a huge hit. He loved the monkeys and his favorite was the reptile house. It was a gorgeous day and he surpassed our expectations in every way. He was perfect and appreciative and we all had just a wonderful day. We got to the hotel later and found it to be very nice. The night ended with a surprise finding of PF Changs (something I had been craving for months!). We were both so excited (Jonathan and I love the same restaurants...it is great). We took Landon swimming to close the night and he just loved it...perfect. I fell into bed that night exhausted but so pleased with how this was all turning out...and extremely achy, oh yeah...and chilled....must just be exhausted. Nope. That was the end of perfection. I could tell when Noah woke up to eat that something was wrong with me. Every bone or muscle ached in my body...I was feverish...chilled...hot...felt terrible. Everytime Noah wanted to eat that night...I fed him and handed him over to Jonathan and closed my eyes waiting for oblivion to take me. The next morning Jon and  Landon went to breakfast. I didn't. We had planned on going to the aquarium that day and I didn't want to let either of the boys (well...Landon or Jonathan) down, so I dragged myself out of bed and got ready. We went back to the city, payed an arm and a leg for the aquarium, traipsed around there for almost two hours all the while just willing for it to end. I felt so terrible. After it was over, and I was feeding Noah, I noticed a problem with my food depositing area  I called my mom, had her look a few things up on the computer, called my on-call doctor, told her what I had, she called in a prescription. Few...not the flu...it was mastisis. Who knew a breast infection could cause you to ache SO badly and to have a fever. I fell asleep that night shivering, curled up in the arms of my husband, but content. Content becuase this whole having two kids thing...it has really made us feel more connected. We each are always doing something for one of them. It feels much more like a team effort. In fact, I could never, ever, ever do it without him. Ever.

Sunday we went shopping at Ikea and The Great Indoors and H&M and out to lunch. It was a good trip in that Landon was pretty well behaved and loved everything, but it had its low points (like when I was writhing in pain in bed crying that it just wasn't fair  ). It was our first family vacation, and I have to say that it bolstered our confidence and really unified us. Yes, it did end with Landon getting in trouble right before we got home, getting disciplined, crying which led to coughing and JUST as we pulled into our garage...he puked. But...still...it was great..and we will do it again.

Now I am home...well, I have been gone all day, but now I am home. I feel buried under laundry and thank-you's and unpacking and a to do list of about a hundred things. But I also feel thankful. I love our new family. I am tired...so tired...and overwhelmed...seriously. But I feel blessed. In a thousand and one ways...I truly do feel blessed.

The Honeymoon is Over 5-30-07

The Honeymoon is Over

Well...my peaceful, quiet, nice adjustment is being severly tested. I had so much to blog about, but since I already wrote an entire blog (a very long one in fact) and it got erased, this will have to be very quick. Landon has had a cold for about ten days. Sunday night at my mom's it got a lot worse. Monday we took him to urgent care and came home with a steriod and prescription cough medicine. She said it was viral. Wonderful. Landon was coughing so much he kept throwing up mucous and he was hacking every ten seconds...I thought I would lost my mind. That night he threw up everything he had eaten and his newly purchased meds. I called the on call doctor and pharmacist to see what to do. In the meantime, Noah had not eaten in at least 4 hours so I tried nursing him...but he would not eat. My mind crowded with worry. It was not a good Monday night. Yesterday was better. Last night was insane. Noah was up from 11 to 1, Landon at 2, Noah at 3, Landon at 3:30 (I was nursing Noah in one hand and holding the puke bowl for Landon in the other so he could spit out his mucous), finally gave Noah to Jonathan at 4:20 bc I thought I was going to die, Landon at 5, Noah at 7. So, to say I am tired is an understatement. I am exhausted and trying with everything in me to hold it together. I am praying that Noah does not get sick. It will be horrible if he does. I am a worrier by nature and I am trying to use this opportunity to stretch my faith and to exercise my mind to focus on the present and not the what ifs. Sometimes succeeding...sometimes failing.

In other news. I went to my home church this weekend. It was like going home. It has been way too long since I was there last. Being with those wonderful people was so refreshing. They KNOW me. They know where I have been, what my dreams were. They watched me grow, helped mold me into who I am, and set me free. It was a warm embrace to be in their presence worshipping again.

I need to know if the last weekend in July does NOT work for anyone wanting to come to the xanga get together. I want to get a date pinned down. I have lots of ideas swimming in my head and I am so excited for it. If I don't hear from anyone...the date will be July 27-29.

To all of you dear ones that I owe thank-you's, phone calls, emails, comments, etc... to please be patient with me. I am trying to just keep my life together right now. Jonathan is on vacation this week. It is the first week he has taken in YEARS. We were going to go on a mini-vacation although at this point that doesn't look to probable. He has a great attitude about it...something about making lemonade out of the lemons life hands you.

Noah is getting huge. Last friday at his two week check he was 8 pounds 10 ounces, although since then he looks like has put on a whole nother pound. He looks 6 weeks old, not almost 3. I want to keep him tiny, but it is fleeting before my very eyes. But man is he precious.

Gotta run. Please pray that I can keep my wits about me...and above all...that my three week old does not get this horrible sickness that Landon has. Thanks friends.

My Life is a Washing Machine

Noah is a puker. It is official. Landon never did...rarely ever does. Noah has thrown up almost entire feedings on me...a few times. It doesn't seem to bother him, so I guess he doesn't need reflux meds, but I wonder how one kid can vary so much from the next. Despite his spitting up problem...he is definitely gaining weight. We go to the doctor tomorrow and I dread seeing how big he has gotten. His little cheeks are filling out and Jonathan said he is getting man boobs  Jonathan really wants Noah to be a chubby baby. Landon was/is such a skinny kid. I think Joanthan may just win out on this one...Noah is much chubbier than Landon ever was...already I have noticed in the last two days that his looks are changing. I keep waiting to not have this nagging feeling of not wanting him to change to go away, but it hasn't. I can't believe that tomorrow he will be two weeks old. Time goes so fast. I willed my entire pregnancy to fly by, with the passing weeks I rejoiced bc it was one week less that I had to be pregnant. Now I just want to freeze time...I love my little floppy red head who roots all around with wide, curious eyes and sleeps soundly anywhere, in any position for hours on end. I can't wait to see his personality develop and all that comes with his growth...but for now, I just want him to stay tiny. As I type, he is totally content snuggled up to my leg on the couch. Oh how I love this little bean.

 The weather has been gorgeous. We spent the entire day outside yesterday and then last night (after eating a scrumptious meal provided by someone from our church) we headed to the beach. I thought it would be so crowded bc it was like 85 degrees but it was almost deserted and there was a sailboat event and so there were TONS of beautiful sail boats way out on the lake. It was awesome. We just laid there in the sand while Landon chased seagulls and threw sand in the water. I could live there...especially in the evening. It is just paradise.

I have so much I need to do...thank you notes to write, a house that is a MESS, yard work, stores that I need to go to to buy things , groceries, desperately need diapers (again), etc... I don't know where to begin and I can't find the time to get anything done. So far at nap time, I am so tired I crash...so when is that going o end? I need that time to get things done. At the same time I am desperately trying to let the little stuff go and just enjoy this time. By the way, thank you to all of you really nice friends who left me comments on my adjustment. I have to say that I can't take the credit...Noah is, so far, a VERY easy baby and that makes ALL of the difference in the world. But it is still nice to be encouraged...so thank you.

Noah is trying to eat my leg. Is it 10? Yep, this kid is clockwork. Nursing Pause.....

Thank you all for your travel suggestions! That was awesome!!! We have talked and talked and talked about it and still haven't made a decision. Jonathan is camping with some friends of his until Monday, then he will be worling around the house (staining the deck...yeah!) Tuesday through Thursday...so we will do vacation Friday to Sunday probably. Although, maybe we will switch around the days...who knows. I love the flexibility. For any of you that don't know me...I am SUCH a scheduler and such a planner. Annoyingly so. I am really working on being more laid back and flexible. I think it will be better for me, my marriage, and even my children. Landon is way too particular and regimented and schedule oriented...and some of it is genetics but some of it has to do with the ways that I have taught him. Noah is my trial run  So far...I have to say that I am enjoying the more laid back attitude. Granted, we are still in the easy zone, but I love that if he cries I don't have to run in there to save him. He can work it out for a few minutes, and he usually does. His floppy little body is all laid out of my chest as I type...does it get any better than this?

Ok, I need to shower and get off of here before yet another day escapes me. Thank you again for all of your suggestions and input and encouragement on that last post. Everytime I checked it, I had some new piece of info or some new encouragement. You all are awesome...and someday when I have a few more moments in my day, I will repay the comment favors 

This day is flying by. I had so much I wanted to accomplish and yet, here it is 11 am and I have nothing done! Today was my first day flying completely solo...no company and no help. So far...it has been a breeze, but I have yet to shower and my house is a disaster  Yesterday right before leaving for church Noah needed changed...so I was carefully doing so when he decided to have a MAJOR poopy episode...and it was just perfect timing bc I had the old diaper off and the new one in midair...yes, you can guess where the poopy went...all over me and the floor. Gross. It was everywhere...we were about ten minutes late for church. Then, last night at 4 am (after his only feeding of the night...still can't believe this kid!) the same thing happened all over again, except I had the new diaper under him...but there was so much poopy that it just went everywhere. I am a minimalist and I usually do laundry once a week...three to four large loads. Since Noah has been home...I think I have done laundry every day. This morning while nursing Noah I noticed a small smudge of poop on his forehead...looks like the onsie he had in the middle of the night (that got completely immersed in poop) scraped some on his forehead and in the low light I never noticed. This second time mom stuff isn't so bad 

Noah is laying in his crib looking around with his curious little eyes. Landon is watching Bob the Builder...I still have yet to get groceries, take a shower, and be ready for Noah's newborn pics that Amy is taking at 1pm. Guess I shouldn't be on here right now, oh well. Jess was here all weekend and took so many great pictures of the kids that I had to post so I could unload some of the many great pictures that she took. My mom also finally got to come up yesterday afternoon and have some good, quality time with both boys. It was wonderful to see her. Brenn too 

Nursing is going great. Noah is much more of a spitter than Landon ever was, but he eats like a champion. I am starting to feel a little less full of milk, which is encouraging. The only real problem is that NONE of my pre-preggo t-shirts fit bc of my increase in milk storage area  Seriously, I have two t-shirts that I keep wearing. Should I buy new or will they go down? I just can't remember...although last time I wore winter clothes which are a little easier to hide voluptuousness 

Landon has a cold. I kind of new it would happen...so much company, not so great food...crazy schedule...and here we are. Praying Noah doesn't get it. Washing hands CONSTANTLY. He loves his brother so much that it is difficult for him not to be able to kiss him or touch him...he asks to "pet" Noah all of the time, and right now he is restricted to only touch clothed arms and legs  Poor kid. He is such a great big brother...really, I am so proud of him.

At the end of church yesterday our pastor broke down and told us of one of the men on staff at our church (early 30's...two kids) who was just diagnosed with Lou Gerighs disease (excuse my spelling). The normal life expectancy is 2-5 years. I am not kidding...all around the auditorium people were sniffling and pulling out tissues. Jonathan and I were in awe at the lives this man has touched. However long he has left, he has left such a legacy and truly must have been a good and faithful servant. What an inspiration.

Xanga get together...what about the weekend of July 26-28? Anybody that definitely wants to come that that does not work for?

Jonathan and I really want to go on a short getaway next week...two to three nights...with both kids. Any ideas on good places within the midwest? I suppose anywhere from TN to NY? Something kid-friendly or out-doorsy or a water park or something. I am begging for Cedar Point, but I don't think Jon wants to go there just us four...we need another couple for that adventure 

There was something else, but I cannot remember right now...and I really need to get off of here  My baby bear is calling...