Redeem It Oh Lord 2-9-09

This morning I happened upon a blog that I have been following from time to time. This family has an 11 month old little girl who went to the doctor two weeks ago for a re-check on an ear infection. They never went home from the appointment. Instead, they were thrown into the utter chaos of cancer and doctors and hospitals and the bottomless pit of fear. They went in worrying about putting their daughter on another antibiotic, and left with the most potent medications known to mankind. This morning I hopped over to their blog for some good news, instead, what I saw made my heart fall to the floor and a small gasp slip from my mouth. Cora went to Heaven this weekend.

Beyond the tragedy of losing a child, beyond the heart wrenching pain of watching a child (your child!) battle cancer and fight for her life after a surgery...the sheer quickness of this all has my heart and head doing tail spins. I have gone to the doctor with my children for ear infections and colds, and to think that she did the same and then this all happened...there really are no words. My heart ached for little Cora as I read what she was enduring, but I really hoped and thought that she would be like so many other babies who fight, and win. The doctors didn't even have time to figure out exactly what kind of cancer she had. She was 11 months old. She would have been a year old next month.

I can rejoice that Cora is out of pain. That she doesn't have to go through anymore surgeries and the trial that is chemo therapy. I can praise God that her suffering is over. But my heart is torn into pieces for her parents and those who loved her. Two weeks...it is just so quick. They will go home from the hospital to a house full of Cora...her bedroom, her toys, diapers, baby food. Every single corner of every room will hold a memory which I can only imagine at this point, will make the emptiness of their arms that much more real.

After I read the news this morning and prayed for that family...I grabbed my boys and put some music on...and we danced. All around the room...we sang and we laughed and we fell and we held hands. I belted out Deep and Wide and Jesus Loves Me and For the Beauty...bc I could do nothing else. I can only cherish what I have at this moment. If Cora's life is not a reminder of that, I don't know what is. As I went around and around the room with my boys and listened to their laughter and felt their warm hands in mine, I nearly burst with thankfulness that I am here, in this moment. And at naptime when Noah put his pudgy hands around my neck and laid his strawberry head on my shoulder, I drank in the feel of his warm body and the smell of son. And when Landon wanted three hugs before nap, I gave them freely...even though he gave me a strawberry kiss which was kind of gross. Seriously...these are the moments that some people die for. The grief of that mama today...the depth of it, I cannot fathom.

God knows. In cases like this, so many people wonder how God could allow this to happen. We are assured that He is in control and I know that the grace He will supply I cannot know, becuase it is unimaginable...and in the moment. I also know that God does not justify the bad that happens here on earth...but He has indeed promised to redeem it. So Lord redeem this situation...redeem these lives...fill them...hold them...help them.

I don't know how anyone recovers from the likes of the past two weeks in that family, especially with this ending. But I know we serve a God of grace...and that He can redeem this. Maybe not here and now...but someday. May that offer them a thread of hope to which they can cling.

I really can't think of anything more depressing or sad to blog about today. But the message is so abundantly clear to me. Get past the dishes and the dustbunnies. Get off the computer. Get off the couch. Be creative and savor the moment. Every week I meet people who have such deep problems...such deep hurts...so many losses. And it all starts in the home. What are we doing with our children? This world is a difficult place to live...how are we preparing our kids? It is in the teaching...but friends, it is also in the loving. Get past yesterday, or last year or the last ten years...cherish today. Today lays the foundation for our children's tomorrow. Go do something spontaneous. Be loud and silly and fun. Hug longer and more often. Speak love. Show love. Enjoy today, becuase truly...truly, it is all that we are promised in the now.

Heaven will be a beautiful place for Cora...no more pain and suffering...and the arms of Jesus will hold her and celebrate with her. And I know mom and dad will be longing for the day that they get to join her there...whenever that will be. Until then, please keep them in prayer. And in their honor...and in Cora's...lets go savor our children. And as my friend Blair said, "Lets be vigilant to remember that this earth is not our home. Cora is home."

And We Lived To Tell About It 2-3-09

And we lived to tell about it...

Jonathan and I had a really super great weekend away. We did brave the hills on Saturday and Jonathan even conquered his fear of the ski lift (he isn't too terribly fond of heights) and did every single green (easier) hill. Towards the end of the day we decided to branch out and try a blue (more difficult) hill. We chose the wrong one. We went down about 1/4 of the way and then, suddenly, the hill disappeared (as in it appeared to be just drop off). We were able to stop and evaluate. Jonathan decided to take his skis off and scoot down on his butt. I, in a split second, decided I wasn't going to let fear hold me back and pushed off. I apparently over-estimated my abilities. I made it about 3/4 of the way down, and then knew I was either going to have to fall or fly off the hill into the forest (there was an abrupt end to the hill that held a considerable amount of trees). I opted for falling over going into the trees...I was going way too fast to stop any other way. I bit it hard...felt like I had been hit by a car, but surprisingly didn't break anything (I thought I would...I was going that fast). And I lived to tell about it...and to ski another day. We had a beautiful room (enhanced even more by the fact that it was free). We just really had a great time together. I am so thankful that Jonathan has a job...and that his company is gracious enough to take us on these trips!

Ok, so I am a huge Little House on the Prairie fan. I used to think I could morph into Laura Ingalls. My dad still calls me Half Pint occasionally...I had the old fashioned boots and nightcaps and dresses and I even wore my hair in braids for my third grade school picture. You get the idea. Well, just the other day I was wondering what ever happened to Ma (Karen Grassle) as I have not heard anything about her in years. Just five minutes ago a Premier Tubs commercial came on and guess who the actress trying to sell them was...Karen Grassle. Are you serious...she is old enough to sell elderly person tubs!?!?!? I couldn't even recognize her. I mean, she looked good for her age, but I couldn't' get past the fact that she is no longer Ma...but most definitely an elderly Grandma. Where did the time go? Now if only I could find a picture of Mary or Lynsey and Sydney (Carrie). On second thought...maybe I should just leave these people in my memories rather than grapple with how quickly time seems to fly by and how much we all seem to change in the blink of an eye. Not that change is bad...it is often good...but who am I kidding. I struggle with change.

A friend of mine came over today. Actually, she comes nearly every Tuesday, but today we decided to have a little trip down memory lane. I got out some old videos from high school (we went to high school together) and we had a nice laugh...all afternoon. It is amazing how I can be brought back to an era of my life so easily...music, smells, memories, sounds...they can bring me right back and I can feel what it felt like to be 18, graduating from high school. This summer will be my 10 year reunion. I can't believe that it has been 10 years, but I am happy with what God has accomplished in my life. I remember standing on that stage about to graduate...wondering what the next years of my life held. I had no idea...that the best was yet to come.

Random...yes...but Noah has been following Landon like a little clone lately. To get away, Landon has to lock himself in his room, and even then Noah will bang on the door with a sword. He loves his brother. He just wants to be where he is...doing what he is doing... You can see in Noah's eyes how much he adores and looks up to Landon. It hit me this morning that the way Noah desires to be with Landon, is how I should desire to be with my Lord...only on a grander scale. I love how parenting tends to personify relationship with God. I love how I can learn new things and experience God in different ways, simply by watching my children and being perceptive and purposeful in my parenting.

The same friend whom I mentioned above has a baby girl. Noah has taken quite a liking to her. He has even gone so far as to share his treasured LOVE (his blankie) with her. He has also taken to holding her hand...as you can see in the pictures. They hold hands quite often, actually...and if Elle decides she doesn't want to hold hands...well, Noah will often force the issue. It is really cute...but more than anything else, I just love that both of my boys seem to have a sensitve spot for babies...I love that they know how to be gentle and caring and loving. I love that my boys can be tender.

And finally, thanks for all of your comments on the last post. I wasn't really crying out for comments or compliments...more so just stating the obvious...that I am not around to comment as much and don't expect you all to stay around if I am not giving the same as you. You know...basic relationship stuff. But you were all very affirming...so thank you. I appreciate and value your friendships as well. More than you know!

I leave early in the morning for another two work days. I am excited to see what this week will bring. It is always an adventure...

Life In Review 1-30-09

Life in Review

About a week ago I had to go through all of my back posts...that is three years of my life. It was awesome. I felt as though I were reliving everything...from Landon learning to pee on the potty to getting pregnant with Noah and the joy of adding him to our family. I am so glad I found xanga when I did, I only wish I had found it sooner. Back in the day, I had time to blog three, sometimes four times a week. I don't have that kind of time anymore. I just don't. I know that I have lost some readers...ok, lots of readers. And if I am honest, I have to admit that this bothers me. Sometimes I feel like my life isn't interesting enough to keep other's attention...but more often I feel like it is that I don't write well enough (that is my perfectionism speaking). But then I realize that it is just a matter of time. I don't have the time to put into xanga what I used to...so why should I expect you, my readers, to spend your precious time on my once-a-week posts? Seriously. I hardly have time to comment these days...so I certainly can't be saddened or knock myself down because I don't get comments, or footprints. But I like blogging. I love the relationships I have built on here, and I have no intention of quitting anytime soon. So I am here for the long haul...even if lose you all...(which I know I won't...some of you have become real and true and deep friends of mine)...if nothing else, this is a really cool tool for documenting these precious years of my life. I love blogging.

Noah is doing well. He goes back Wednesday for a check up on his head. It has been covered all week, so I really have no idea what it looks like...but he is acting normal, so that is good news. This week has been one of the busiest of my life. I will spare you the details...but I have been in my home for like 5 hours (not including sleep time) since Sunday night (remember I leave Wednesday morning and work, stay at my mom's and work Thursday). I miss my kids...and my home...and I feel like my life is a little (ok, lots) chaotic right now. But I love my work. I had clients at: 12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, and 5:30 yesterday. My schedule is clearly picking up...it is actually almost completely full...we are having difficult fitting people where they want to be. I love it. I am starting to encounter some tough stuff...real, raw human pain. I am getting an opportunity to speak truth and to comfort and to guide. It is not easy...but man, is it rewarding...even just to see a hint of hope in their eyes before they leave. Sometimes a session goes, ok...but other times I feel like I nail it and we really get some seriously positive work accomplished. So many times I can see bits and pieces of myself in a client. I can empathize with what they are feeling and saying. because pain is not foreign to me. My pain may not be the same as theirs..but human pain is fairly universal, you just have to find that point at which your sources intersect. I love my agency..the people I am working with...the clients that God has placed in my care...the boatloads that I have learned. I love that God has affirmed me in such personal and tangible ways. I love the peace that He has given me in my soul about this job. I love that for rightthismoment, I know that I am doing what God has called me to do...be the best wife and mom that I can be, and a counselor for those who are hurting. My life is kind of chaotic. But I have peace in my soul that I am where I should be. And I am enjoying life (and even my kids and husband) on a new level.

Jon's company is taking us on a ski trip this weekend. So come tomorrow I will be flying down some snow mountain. I love to ski. I never get to do it...but when I do, I just really enjoy it. The feeling you get when you are coming down the mountain is so freeing...you feel like you are literally flying, soaring to and fro. Or at least I feel that way when I ski. Jonathan feels more like he is dying...so I guess to each his own

So my mom already came and took the kids to her house and I am sitting here in an empty house. I don't love to be at home when my kids aren't here. It is too quiet and I see their toys in random places and my mind starts wondering what they were imagining when they were playing with that toy...and then my heart aches a little because I want to hold them and smell them and watch them run around this place. I can't imagine my life without those two crazy boys...

ave a great weekend my friends!

Run In with the Wall...and It Won! 1-26-09

A Run in with the Wall...and It Won!

I have been meaning to blog for days. I have tried to start one only to be distracted or to decide that what I wanted to share, I couldn't...for whatever reasons. Yesterday was an all out emotional day. One that included long talks, tears, brute honesty with myself and someone I love, and then a big headache. I decided to stop focusing on myself and salvage the day, so I made some cookies for a neighbor. While the cookies were in the oven, Jon came running upstairs with a screaming Noah...blood dripping off Jon's elbow onto the floor...blood...oh the blood. By this time Noah was absolutely screaming. I will save you the details of what we did when and how...but suffice to say that for now we have decided to go with sterry strips over stitches. The poor guy has been through so much. And the wound is only a little longer than a pencil eraser, and it is horizontal (which is better than vertical). We are thinking it will heal together...but the dumb thing is so deep. I feel like I can see his brain...although I can't in reality...but it just doesn't seem like there is that much flesh to go through in a forehead. So last night and today have been fairly traumatic for my little guy. But he has coped so well. He slept through the night with a huge thing of gauze on his head and he woke up as happy as could be this morning. No signs of a concussion or anything...so that is good. It is just amazing how quickly things change and happen and how in an instant life has the potential to change forever. Thankfully that wasn't the case last night, but it could have been. Noah was playing on something he got for Christmas when he decided to jump towards the wall, head first (you had to be there to understand...he had seen Landon do something similar earlier). He hit the corner of the trim surrounding the window. Who would have thought trim could do this? Crazy...

A new and sweet friend of mine commented on my facebook status (that Noah is the type of kid to smile through the pain and go on as if nothing had happened) today. She said, "If we only could be like children and not let the pain run our lives." Oh how profound that statement is. Oh how loaded the consequences. I am a counselor and a child of God. I have all of the tools needed to obtain emotional and relational freedom and health. But I, like many of you (please someone admit I am not alone in this struggle) fail to not let the pain run my life...at least from time to time. Pain is an ebb and a flow...most of the time we can push it to the furthest corner of our minds and refuse to open pandora's box...but then something happens...someone says something or a memory is suddenly exploding through your mind...or an experience is relived or revived...and the pain threatens to overwhelm you. For at least a few moments you are forced to deal with the emotions playing like a bad movie in your mind. Sometimes you can tape the box shut again and push it back into the safe corner of your life. But what are we really accomplishing by doing this? Then again...the pain and the uncertainty and the raw emotion that comes with struggling through our past and our hurts is sometimes too much to deal with...we don't even know where to begin to untangle the knot inside of our heads and our hearts. And secretly we wonder if we can ever escape the grip of our pain anyway...really. Would freedom really exist on the other side? It does. It does exist. But not dealing is so safe and comfortable...and ultimately that safety blinds us and keeps us stuck...where we are. And the pain, without our knowing it...runs us, instead of us running it.

I am not home right now (long story). I will try to post a picture of my joy boy tonight. But at this point it is just Noah with some bandages on his head. You can't see the wound...which for the weak of stomach...is a good thing Thanks for being my friends...and sticking with me...and encouraging me and strengthening me. I think you guys are great.

My Music Man 1-19-09

My Music Man

Landon has been sitting with us in church instead of going to his class...for awhile now. He prefers it, and I guess I don't see why I should make him go to class if he doesn't want to. Yes, they would make the stories more age appropriate and perhaps the lessons a little more applicable for him...but this way he can worship with us and get used to real church. Anyway, yesterday we came home from church and he decided that he wanted to be a music leader. So he got out his homemade guitar (a paper plate with a ruler sticking out of it and some rubber bands stretched across), his drum and his tamborine and started "leading worship" in our living room. So apparently he is getting something out of being in church with us. There was something truly beautiful about my son standing in our living room in his whitey tighties and undershirt, playing his instruments and singing his heart out. I love that he is not embarrassed to sing in front of me or to pretend to be in a different setting, or sometimes...a totally different world. I love that he can stand in front of me and sing in his underwear He feels safe and comfortable and accepted and loved. And that is how it should be.

And Noah...he has absolutely amazed me these last few days. On two levels. The first is his newly found anger and desire to do all things naughty. This weekend he was into everything, and I do mean everything...and he was having breakdown after breakdown when we would tell him no time and again. He was a whiny, naughty mess. But on the flip side...his vocab exploded. Perhaps his brain hurts and that explains his behavior? I was making lunch on Friday and holding Noah at the same time (breakdown had just happened). Out of the blue he points at the pan and says, "grilled cheese." Then "I want grilled cheese." This weekend it was word after word that came rolling out of his mouth. My baby is growing up. What is it about kids this age that provokes us to make them repeat nonsensical words like grilled cheese over and over and over because we find it so cute?

My sister and her boyfriend babysat for us on Saturday night. I very spontaneously called her Saturday (mainly bc I was at wits end with Noah and desperately was hoping for a night off) and asked her, and was pleasantly surprised when she said that she could. So the boys made cookies with Aunt Brenn and played Tom and Jerry with Adam. Speaking of Tom and Jerry...Landon is not a laugh out loud kind of kid. He finds things funny from time to time, but doesn't really laugh at movies. I am the same way...so I get that. Anyway...I got a Tom and Jerry video for him from the library and the kid absolutely loves it. He watches it and just starts cracking up over and over and over again throughout the show. It is a side of him I have never seen before. So he has started to play-act scenes from the show (in safe ways of course). Last week him and my mom played Tom and Jerry all day long. I love that kid's imagination.

We have almost 3 feet of snow on our back deck. We have been slammed over and over and over again with storms. Driving has been absolutely treacerous. But for as much as I was dreading winter, it is going by fairly fast. Working these two days a week makes my week literally blink by. Literally. I love that the winter is going so fast...but I definitely don't want to feel my weeks of summer blink by I still find myself longing for the feel of a warm summer day with the windows open and the beautiful breeze flowing through my house bringing in the scent of fresh cut grass and June flowers. Yeah...I could get lost in that daydream.

One last thing. I absolutely LOVED counseling last week. I had some more difficult cases but I feel that I won some battles (still fighting the wars). I left on a high from my two days there...I felt like I was getting into the groove and really doing well. That sounds prideful...but I don't mean it like that .I mean, for as much as I was questioning and doubting in the beginning of all of this...I am becoming confident and really enjoying what I am doing. Really, really enjoying it. As in...I can't wait to go back on Wednesday

We Get out what We Put In 1-12-09

I have had a lot swirling through my mind as of late. Much of it, unfortunately, I cannot share on here. I knew that once I started counseling, confidentiality would be a huge part of my life. I am not supposed to speak about my clients to anyone other than my supervisor. So clearly, xanga and counseling don't mix too well. But I can share what I am learning/thinking about on a general level. I have had three clients up until now, but starting this week that number is jumping up to 5. I am so super excited and as with every new client, a tad anxious as well. These two new ones are regarding issues I am not as familiar with, so I am doing a lot of extra study this weekend on how to best serve these clients. On Wednesday I am also leading an hour long group session. I am super excited about that...I love group therapy and I think that it does wonders. I am a huge fan. So I am going to work on that tonight...and I am eager for Wednesday evening to arrive so I can put into action all of these thoughts in my head.

A lot of people come to counseling expecting that we (the therapist) are there to fix them. That is not our job. Not really. We are there to teach, to encourage, to walk a journey of hope and healing with you, to guide you, to listen to you, to support you. But ultimately, the responsibility for healing is on the client. Personal responsibility for some difficult work. That is hard to express to people in a way that does not immediately turn them off or make them run for the door, because really, who likes to encounter pain. But encountering pain and facing it head on is how we get a wound to heal. Instead of putting a band-aid on, we pick that scab, let it bleed...wash it out...and marvel as it heals. It is tough. But often, people don't like tough. We would rather a quick fix...a snap of the fingers so to speak.

As I was sitting in church yesterday (ok, I admit...my thoughts were very humanish...feed me, fill me, etc.), I was thinking about how bored I was. My mind could not focus, I was being rather judgmental, etc. Suddenly the voice of my mother came shouting through my head. When I was a kid, my mom told me time and again, regarding many different situations, that we get out of something whatever it is that we put into it. Meaning, if we don't try, if we just sit there and expect someone else to do all of the work...we will get nothing out of it. But if we put the work in...if we get involved and apply our minds and hearts and hands...we will get a lot out of it. As the day wore on I began to think about all of the situations in my life to which that truth applied...church, school, counseling, mothering, my marriage, my relationship with God. Everything. If I just go through the motions and don't apply myself, aspects of my life seem boring and mundane and sometimes, loathsome. So in the end, I discovered that I am like many counseling clients, I come into the office of my life, sit down, share the deepest parts of myself and then say, "Fix me!" I stop working and wait for someone else to start...for something to change...for a renewed sense of something that never seems to happen. Personal responsibility...it is a difficult thing to accept, but if we never do...our life will pass us by and we will never have the life we want, because we will always be waiting on something external that we have no control over. But we do have control over ourselves...that is just about the only thing we do have control over. Just a smattering of my recent thoughts...

On a much more fun note, I was supposed to go away last night to work on my group session, but it was snowing so beautifully out, so I decided I would go tonight instead. So all of us...Landon, Jon, Noah and myself got all dressed up and went outside. We went sledding, played on the plow mounds, and enjoyed the refreshing coldness of the snow. Then we came in for hot cocoa and a relaxing evening together. The voice of my mom was even resonating in that moment it took me to decide whether to postpone my plans (my books and notes were all packed and waiting by the door) for something spontaneous and fun for the family. After all, someone pretty wise once said that you get out what you put in.

What is your Jazz 1-5-12

Yeah, I know. I am updating less than a week from my last post...granted, it is a day less...but still, this is slight progress, right? Jonathan went back to work today and Landon starts school tomorrow, so life is getting back to normal. I have a client all scheduled for Wednesday morning, so that too goes back to normal this week. Now I just need to find someone to watch my kids Wednesday morning...

Lets see...Landon has been very argumentative lately. Really, that is an understatement. He argues about everysinglething and it is absolutely exhausting. I try not to entertain the argument, but then he says something disrespectful and we end up in discourse over that. My patience are shot, and I feel mentally exhausted. This morning he woke up to inform me that he is not going to argue with me for two weeks. He hasn't argued once all day. In fact, he is going way out of his way to be good. He even keeps asking me if his actions are making me proud of him. I talked to him about if he can do this for an hour, half a day, a whole day, a week...then he can maintain it for life. For now, I am just basking in these few precious hours in which we have had no arguments and immediate obedience. It was literally like a breath of fresh air. We will see how this evening goes.

Last night on our way home from our last Christmas with family friends, Landon goes, "Mom, 3+3+4 is 10. He has been adding two numbers for a few weeks now, but apparently last night he decided he is ready to take on three numbers at a time. Wasn't he just learning to recognize numbers and arrows? Just learning to talk and to walk and to run? Crazy kid.

And Noah, well...his vocab is sprouting like spring flowers (doesn't that picture just make you smile...ahhh, spring...). New words seem to sprout from his lips each new day. I love this age for the newness that comes with each passing day. He is certainly testing the limits, but also displaying a sensitive heart and a love for others and for life. He woke up laughing this morning, and I had to wonder what it would be like to greet the day with laughter. I certainly don't feel like laughing when I roll out of bed...but that kid has a love for life that is contagious. He continues to be our joy boy.

Jon has been building shelves and Landon got to help use the power tools...can you tell from the pictures that he was pretty excited about this? And the boys continue to play together every day...all day. Most of the time they love one another, time to time they try to kill one another. But they love one another fiercely...so it is all good. I got to see some of my friends from high school last week, which was fun. It is crazy that we are old enough to get together in one another's homes and play with each other's kids...what in the world? Speaking of time, have you seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? We haven't seen a movie in a year or so, but we were able to catch this one at a matinee last week. It is one of those movies that inspires you to seize the day. I really enjoyed it...and a few of the phrases from that movie keep repeating over and over in my head. I like movies that force me to take an honest look at my life and to evaluate where my time is going. This movie is one of those...

A friend of mine recently gave me the book "Blue Like Jazz" to read. What are your thoughts on it, if you have read it? I am half way through...and am intrigued by his thoughts. I have really been wrestling lately with how my relationship with the Lord has changed from high school to college to motherhood. A lot of new books are emphasizing relationship with God over rules, and I certainly see the place for that. God desires relationship...but grace does not allow us free reign to live as we wish either. As a counselor, I am often imparting my beliefs unto others, and they can do with them as they wish. But as I embrace this opportunity I want to be sure that my beliefs are based upon Scripture and that I have a proper understanding of the relationship that God offers us through His son Jesus Christ. I know that relationship...but I also know that I fail to maximize it, and I do tend to get caught up in the shoulds and should nots. I know that I cannot earn anything and that all is by grace...but my heart has a difficult time translating that into life. I could give you a million reasons why, but not here and not now. So what do you think? I know this book is controversial...and I am back and forth on it....some of his points have been right on and some I have had to really dig as to why I disagree. Again, I am only half way through, but I would love your thoughts.

Well, dinner needs to be made and the kids need to be fed. Thanks for sticking with me through my spotty xanga attendance. My mind has been a mass of swirling thoughts lately, too many to wade through to form a cohesive post for the world to see. I hope to remedy this soon. In the meantime...thanks again for sticking with me