Baby Steps Lead to Big Steps...Noah Starts School 9-3-12

Baby Steps lead to Big Steps...Noah starts school tomorrow...

Oh man. I am sitting here on the eve of school starting. I steam cleaned every carpet in my house this past week. I also scrubbed the mold off of the ceiling in our bathroom, and vacuumed and steam cleaned the van. Every room is is polished and every dish clean. The school shoes are laid out next to their not so new but just perfect first day of school outfits. The lunch boxes are laid out, and bags packed. Why? Well, even though I know "control" is just an illusion, I feel completely out of control of nearly every part of my life. And when that happens....I clean. The straight vacuum lines and lemon fresh scent bring some measure of control into my life. Or so it feels. And I have never felt so dismantled. Its way beyond Noah going to school. Three months ago, that was one of my greatest concerns. I have since learned that much worse can happen. But back to Noah... I met with the principal, met with the teacher, met with the principal of a Christian school, talked to numerous parents, prayed my brains out. Our public schools switched to all day every day kindergarten. I know that most states have already gone that route, but I went through this with Landon and I KNOW that once they start that all day every day transition, the dynamic changes. I lose so much influence. The child changes and grows literally over night. Landon was almost 7 before he went all day every day. With this new change, and how Noah's birthday fell, he is 5 years and three months old. I feel that they are stealing my 5 year old from me. They assure me that they are not. In fact they had a million and one reasons that this is the best thing for kindergarteners now. I wasn't convinced. But something is keeping me from the 3 day Christian school option too. Something besides the steep price. So he is at public school, with his brother, and he is thrilled. He met his teacher and likes his classroom and is more excited than anything to eat out of his spiderman lunch box and NOT take a nap. For the beginning of the school year, I will be voluntarily pulling him out of school on Wednesdays. Its my compromise with the school system. And every minute of Wonderful Wednesday will be spent doing 5 year old things. Because next year (or later this year...if they make me) I will have to let him go and make this full transition.

I don't want a debate on public vs christian education or homeschooling. Nor am I saying that if you send your child to an all day every day program, you are doing something wrong. Most of you probably are sending them to just that. I realize I am the weird one here. Its not that I can't let him go. I just don't want to. These past 5 years went so quickly. And with the addition of Everett, I feel like life has gone on hyperdrive. The last 9 months of my life were especially insane, and looking back, I feel as if my very time was stolen from me. I want to invest my time in my children. In my family. In these little innocent people that we are sending out into the crazy wide world. So that they are ready. And so that they know, when that bell rings, or when that mistake is made, or when they need a way out, or a place to fall...we are here. They can come home. 

I remember when Noah learned to walk. He ran that same week. He runs everywhere, or jumps while karate chopping. He greets life with a wide open mouth grin and his arms are not out to protect him, but out to grasp whatever comes his way. I see him embracing this school experience in the same way. He is caught between being 5 and wanting to have Grandma Day and cooking with mama and craving the freedom and independence that he sees school as offering him. He is embracing both, fully. And that is how I know that this is right for us. Just us. Every child is different. This is right for my Noah. Something different may be in order for Everett. Three days was perfect for Landon.

So tomorrow starts a whole new chapter in the life of Noah, and really in our whole family. What happens with one, affects the whole. Its so true. Mama's with young ones...hold them tight but teach them to fly. Time goes so fast. It was just yesterday that Noah was born, right? Sometimes it feels endless, but looking back it goes so quickly. I know this. Landon has already gone before and taught me once. But I am learning anew.

I am so excited for our Joy Boy and all that he will encounter in this new season of life. When he learned to walk, he let go of my finger reluctantly. This is one more step in that journey of independence. A big one. He is taking a few more steps away from us and towards his own life. But we still have so much influence. So much opportunity. So much to teach and to love and to impart. I am so thankful for that. Thankful that at the end of the day, we are home...to all of our beautiful boys.

Hurt People Hurt People 8-3-12

Hurt People, Hurt People

I think I have always cared too much. Too much about what people think. Too much about what they do...or don't do. Too much. But I have grown. I have come to embrace the fact the people are responsible for themselves and I am responsible for me. I cannot use others or what they do to defend my own feelings or actions. I have to own my own behaviors and feelings, not put them on others. But it is so difficult, and becoming more so as time goes on. A lot of people I have worked with, have laid out a past full of hurt, usually at the hands of others. That hurt often causes them to behave in a way they wish to change, or to build walls that end up isolating them rather than protecting them. It is clear to see how hurt people, hurt people. The difficult question is how to stop it. How to stop the cycle of hurt. I know how to tell people to stop the cycle, and I have stopped it previously in my own life a few times. But other times it feels like I get slammed again and again and again. It begins to feel that no one is who I once thought they were. And I can feel the old habits sneak in. The desire to isolate, both physically and emotionally. The cynicism. The hope that seems to be sweating out of me each night as I run, trying to exercise out what I feel inside. 

I took the summer off from as much as I possibly could. I wanted to focus on my family, and get my priorities straight. I wanted to focus on the things that needed tweaking in my own family, instead of outside of my family. But here we are in August already, with school looming in just a few weeks. While some areas of my life feel more calculated and purposeful and as they should be, my insides feel a mess. The questions are exponentially more, and quite frankly, the disappointment, greater. I have read, prayed, exercised, sought guidance, tried to release control, de-stressed, organized, simplified. You name it. I did everything I would have told a client to do. But sometimes you can do everything "right" and yet, you still have to hold. There are no guarantees in life. No simple formulas. You can't just take 5 steps and be assured that things will change. But we can choose to be obedient. What that looks like in different situations varies and sometimes its blurry. I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I keep quiet, do I speak up? Do I keep my feet firmly planted or take a leap? 

This past year has been a year of losses. Not losses in the form of physical death, but in the form of losses of who I thought people were, of relationships, of marriages, and of ideals. In many ways it seems that much of what I thought people were, isn't reality. People that I thought I knew so well. A past that is mine, but the foundational stones have been shaken. I could handle it the first and second time, but as these things keep hitting like waves, it feels as though I can't quite keep my head above water. I want to keep believing in people's ability to change for the positive, and in the image they portrayed to me, and I want to keep trusting and letting people in. But more than anything, all of this is showing me that I put entirely too much stock in others. To be let down this hard, this much, it proves to me that no one is exactly who I think they are. And neither am I. 

Are Christians hypocrites? Sure. We all are...no one is completely true to what we want to be. We sin. A lot. Just like people who reject God or deny His existence. And sin hurts. Almost all of the most awful stuff I have heard this year has been dealt at the hands of Christians. Who am I to judge their heart? I have to stop asking the question of "how could they" and start asking "how will I not?" Because, again, I am not responsible for them, but I am responsible for my response. Because while it feels like everyone is taking the easy way out (its the American way...pop a pill, eat in front of the television, end relationships when they get too difficult), and seemingly doing just fine, I still have to be ok with my story at the end of the day. Do I want my story to read that I took the easy way. Held onto the anger, finagled my life to be as easy as possible? And that it all turned out ok? Or do I want to work hard, persevere, forgive, with no promise of ease? I dont want easy. I want real. I want different. I don't want short term ease for longterm complacency. And yet...I am tired. Of taking the road less travelled. Of being disappointed. By others and by my response to their behaviors. And I am realizing that my disappointment with others, is also a disappointment in myself. People tell me all of the time that I am too hard on myself. I can hear it right now. And to some degree, they are right. I am my own worst critic. But I want something different. I want to give something different than I see all around me. Something different than has been given to me. But right now I just feel tired, and licking my wounds feels like all I am capable of. But I know if I give in to the feelings, the hurt will take over. Which brings me back to the obedience issue. And grace. And realizing that at any moment, I can make decisions based upon hurt instead of redemption, that perpetuate the cycle. 

So what am I getting at? None of us are perfect. Stop looking for perfection. Stop looking to PEOPLE for validation and happiness and security. Because they will let you down every time. I will let you down. I am practically yelling at myself here. Because I keep looking for someone...to help me see that living as I feel called to live is not insane or ignorant. What is loving radically? What does that practically look like? Guess what! Its messy. It hurts. And it doesn't always turn out great. But we shouldn't be loving till it hurts for the outcome. We do it because we are obedient. Because we are modeling after the One we say is our Master. We don't love only when its easy. Or feels good. Or people pat us on the back. We love because He first loved. 

I can love. The part I struggle with is the forgiving. The vulnerability. The re-opening. Because we weren't just called to love radically, but to forgive radically. This one is so much more difficult for me. My defenses run so high. The deeper the hurt, the stronger the defense. But its wrong. This response deepens the hurt and perpetuates the cycle of hurting others out of my hurt. So often I have searched and begged for wisdom on how to forgive. And what it really looks like. And how to balance forgiveness (and love) with healthy boundaries. Because I don't want to be a doormat to be walked all over time and again. But I do want to be someone who loves freely and walks in the freedom that forgiveness offers. When I harbor anger or hurt (I often transform hurt into anger because somehow it doesn't feel so vulnerable), I can feel the cynicism start to creep in like water lapping at my feet. I have felt that for months. And with each let down, I feel the water rising. I know there is a battle going on. All of this doesn't happen at once for nothing. Its not coincidence. And its not all about me either. But what I am realizing in the dark of this night is that my battle now is just in being obedient in each choice in each day. I have fought the fight, but the battle is not mine. I am laying down my weapons. I am going to fight only to trust in the God who has already won. The books were good and the de-stressing healthy. But I am still battle weary, and quite frankly, wounded. So for now, I am handing it over. It wasn't my battle in the first place. I can't change anything, or anyone. I can't make the past more of what I wish it were or thought it was. I can't make people be who I want them to be or who I thought they were. And I can't be everything for everyone. God owns all of this, and even if He redeems none of it this side of Heaven, I hope He will use it. Because I am laying down, hands raised up. Giving it up. Not sure if that means He will ask me to walk deeper into it, or give me the assurance that I can walk away from it as it is, nothing more to do. But either way, it won't be me fighting the battle anymore. We weren't made to fight alone. To rely alone on self help, and psychological strategies. We were made to live this life in relationship and communion with the One who can comfort us in our need, give us wisdom in our wonderings, grant hope amidst despair. His yolk is easy and His burden light. There is a reason that one day is better in His courts than a thousand elsewhere. I am laying it down. Its not about me anyway. It never was. And I am sick of believing the lies that it was and the havoc those lies have wreaked on me and my life. Believing and living out that last statement will be so much more difficult than reading some books and trying to "fix" what was broken. But therein lies the peace I am searching for. Personal obedience in the face of other's hurtful disobedience. Grace allows us each to choose. So what will it be?

Protection and Healing 7-6-12

Protection and Healing Its one of those gorgeous summer days. The boys and I had Monday Morning learning this morning and they did a fantastic job. They were excited about learning and getting their work done. Afterwards, they went outside and played in their blow up pool, complete with a big raft that we are borrowing from Aunt Amy. They continuously run, jump and make the raft flip over with them on it, so that they will go under because of it. They love it. I think they have been out there for almost two hours. At one point, Noah got hurt. As all of my kids do when they are in pain of any kind, they take off running to find me, all the while calling my name, "Mama!!" As soon as they find me, they tell me what happened, show it to me, and fully expect that I will have a way of healing whatever ails them. Sometimes its a kiss. Sometimes a bandaid, sometimes something more invasive, or even just a cuddle. But they always come lookign for me. Everytime. They expect that I will have the answer. That I will make them feel better, both physically and emotionally. And I don't let them down. As a mom, if my kids are hurt, I desperately want to make it all better. Parenting, unlike anything else has made aspects of my relationship with the Lord, come alive. As Noah was running to me today, I was inside of the house and he was outside. I heard him calling and saw him running through the grass and towards the door. His response to pain, is to look for mom. I couldn't help but ask myself what my response to pain is. Do I immediately turn to my Father? Do I call on anyone? Do I rely on myself to get through it? And then I thought about my human capacity to question. When I am an enduring pain, I can be rather philosiphical about it. I can tell you my first inclination is not to immediately call upon the Lord. It usually happens eventually, but it is not a basic instinctual part of me like it is for my children to call me when they are hurt. And I often question. And then it hit me. When my kids get hurt, they dont blame me. They know I am in charge. That I desperately care for their well being and safety. But I give them opportunity. With freedom, comes risk. When my friend recently lost her thirteen year old son in Lake Michigan, part of me wanted to ban my children from ever swimming in the lake. But fear can go so far and bind us and overcome us if we are not careful. So this weekend, I let them go out. I was safe about it. I watched them closely. I instructed them on safety. But I let them be children. I let them make choices. I let them experience life. God gives us freedom. Freedom to choose. To experience life. And with that comes so much joy, but also a measure of sadness and pain and hurt and tragedy. But so often man blames God. Instead of running to Him, we shake our fists at Him. Instead of trusting Him as children trust adults, we question everything, like a teenager, as though we know best and God cant possibly understand our side of it. Instead of resting we, we strive. I would protect my children from pain. No question to that. And yet, I let them experience and have some measure of freedom to make decisions. Sometimes those decisions result in pain. I don't wish that pain upon my children, but it is part of the process. Part of living. Part of learning to make good decisions. Part of the journey. God CAN do anything, as opposed to me, as a parent. I get that. But I dont think that just because He can, it means that it is best that He does. I see a greater picture than my children do when I discipline them or when I teach them or even give them freedom. It brings me a measure of peace to know that God sees a bigger picture than I do. I understand a lot more with this whole parenting perspective. I understand that when we are hurt, we have to try again even with the risks. Get back on the bike. Get back in the ring. Fight for the marriage. Try again with that friendship. Offer forgiveness. Seek healing. And run with all of our might to the One who not only knows and plans our future, but loves us through it all.

What You Didn't Know

What you didn't know...

I remember being in the hospital after just having Everett. Our older boys were sick at home with the flu, so they had not yet met Everett. It was the middle of the night and it was just him and me. He had just nursed and he was staring into my eyes as though he were searching my soul with his perfect gaze. So I started to tell him about the life he didn't yet know about. 

I told him that he had two awesome older brothers who were going to give him built in playmates and endless hours of fun and adventure. I told him that we liked to go to the beach and eat ice cream. I told him that Landon would protect him forever, and that Noah would eventually become a great ally, after they get over the hump of middle child and baby rivalry. I told him that the boys would make him laugh, and that they would bring more excitement into his life than he could possibly imagine. And he hadn't even met them yet. I told him of the joy that would be in his journey.

Today as I was getting ready, I heard Everett laughing hysterically in the living room. I quietly peaked around the corner so that he wouldn't see me, so as not to risk interrupting whatever was going on out there. What I saw were my words from that night in the hospital being played out and lived right in front of me. Noah was playing hide and seek with Everett around the couch. He would run around and Everett would chase him and then Noah would jump out and make Everett laugh out loud. Everett's eyes would cautiously look for Noah where he knew he would find him and then he would open mouth laugh and light up when Noah jumped out at him. It was excitement. It was fun. It was adventure. It was life. It was everything I knew he had been blessed with but he was,as yet, unaware was coming. Now he was experiencing it for himself.

I so often fear the future. I fear what I do not know. I wonder what God would say to me if we had a moment like I had with Everett in the hospital. Perhaps he would say, "There is so much joy in the journey, Kristen. You dont know it yet. But trust me for it. Don't take your eyes off of mine. Trust me that just as you knew the blessing your son was given in having two older brothers, I know the blessing I have for you in whatever the future holds. You dont yet know, but I know. And that is enough. Trust me."

What we learned At Swim Lessons Today 4-14-12

What we Learned At Swim Lessons Today The boys had swim lessons today. Noah loves swim lessons and took them last year too. Landon begged to get to do it this year, but he wanted to do it WITH his best friend. I informed him before I signed him up that his friend is a really good swimmer and may advance to a higher level class than Landon. But Landon was confident it would work out. Its hard in those situations to know what to say. Becuase you dont want to inhibit your kid's belief in their abilities but you also need them to know the reality of the situation. The balance is difficult to find. So fast forward to today. Noah happily goes off to his class and Landon gets called to level 3 of the older kids WITH two of his friends. The class starts and Landon is keeping up, doing all the exericises but coming in last but only slightly. And then it happens. I hear the head woman say that she is moving one kid down...and she calls Landon out of the pool and sends him down to the shallow (er) end to be with the level 2 class. As he walked he caught my eye and shrugged his shoulders but I could tell from his face and body language that he was mortified and trying to fight back tears of disappointment and inadequacy. Broke my heart. He proceeded to take part in the level 2 class while his friends swam away in the deep end in the Level 3 class. In level 2, each kid swims the width of the pool one at a time (instead of all together), so he spent most of his time just treading water on the side of the pool, and I could see that all the while, he was treading water in his little heart and mind too. When class ended, he came up to me to get a towel and I could see it all in his face: disappointment, inadquacy, insecurity, shame. He wanted a towel immediately so he could cover up his face (he is macho and doesnt like to show emotion to the world anymore). I did what any sane mom would do in that situation and took him to get a donut at the bakery after we left. I tried to tell him that there is a reason for everything. That maybe there is a kid in Level 2 that needs to know Jesus, or that needs a friend. But the Level 2 teacher yelled at Landon about something and it crushed his spirit (which was barely withstanding after being called out and demoted in front of his friends). Somewhere mid-lecture about there being a reason for everything I just stopped, because I realized that as much as we want there to be a reason for everything... sometimes...there isn't one. Or if there is, we never know it. We want to wrap everything up with a neat little bow and package it beautifully, but sometimes in doing that we miss what is really going on. Sometimes things just suck. Watching your 8 year old have his confidence completely crushed in front of his friends...sucked (my mom is going to kill me for saying that word so many times on my blog). I'm pretty sure he will remember today for the rest of his life, and not necessarily in a good way. He didn't really need me reminding him about the reason behind everything at that moment. He needed me to just join him. To understand him. To ACKNOWLEDGE his feelings, instead of deny them. So often I have denied them and tried to redefine them into what I think they should be. As Christians, especially, so often we run from what is really going on and try to deny it as though pretending it were different really makes it different. I am not advocating that we wallow. I am certainly not saying that we should focus on the negative and never look for the silver lining. I guess what I am saying is lets just be real. At some point, lets stop saying what everyone wants to hear and acknowledge what is really going on and how we really feel. Because that stuff is reality. And we can deal with reality. A lot better than we can fakeness. Honesty promotes intimacy.  Landon's experience today sucked (sorry mom). I didnt use that word with him, but for once...I didn't redefine his feelings. I just sat with him in the reality of what he was feeling. So he wasn't alone. And then together, we will learn to grow from what happened today. Not because we know the reason that it had to happen this way, but becuase he could be honest about feeling insecure and inadequate and thoroughly embarrassed. Now that we acknowledged those real feelings, we can focus on the truth of who Landon is...who he was made to be. And the fact that what happened today doesn't have to define tomorrow. I don't have answers anymore for all of the bad that happens to so many people I have come into contact with. I have searched for answers and longed for wisdom. But the truth is...I am not sure we will ever know this side of Heaven. So I am learning to just admit that "it is what it is" and sometimes that means that it sucks (sorry again, Mom). But you dont have to be alone in that feeling. In the grief or inadequacy or failure. Because the truth is that we all are human, so we all fail and have been failed. Yes everything that happens can be used for good. And yes God is in control. But lets stop denying that inspite of those truths...sometimes life HURTS. Lets stop denying that and start being honest...and instead of judging one another, loving one another.

Hope 3-24-12

Hope

I had an awesome opportunity today to speak at the Growing in Grace Conference in Southwestern Michigan. I was among colleagues and friends and while I didn't know most of the 125ish people present there were a few people there that I had crossed paths with at various points in my life. After one of my break out sessions, a woman came up to me and told me that she remembered me when I was a young child and had attended that church. Another woman wanted my contact information in the event that I would be willing to share with her women's group. I ran into "C", and had wonderful, renewing conversations with old colleagues that still feel like home to me. The therapist's at Well of Grace and Southwestern Medical Clinic were the ones that taught me to fly. The ones who inspired me and believed in me and modeled for me how to properly integrate psychology and faith. It was with these people that I first started on this counseling journey. I fell in love with counseling under the leadership of these individuals. 

Today they afforded me an opportunity to stand and speak in two break out sessions. It was a neat day for me. I have loved public speaking since I gave my first student council speach in 10th grade. I have dreamed of writing a book some day, and speaking publically in some form. So today was pretty exciting to feel as though I got to take a step in that direction.

But the highlight of my day? The highlight came at the very beginning. I was in the lobby, greeting and directing people when one of my clients from during my internship (early 2009) walked into the room and caught sight of me. This woman is the one who inspired my post on April 24, 2009 when I first encountered the problem of pain. This client was a game changer for me, for many reasons. She forced me to ask questions and find real answers that up until that point, I had given ridiculously empty answers to. I have ached for this woman, and I remember feeling so very priveleged that she had allowed me to journey with her in her pain and through her story. Back in 2009, I gave her a flat stone with the word HOPE inscribed on it. I told her to carry it with her as a symbol. That she could borrow my hope until she found her own. On my last session with her, I told her that I would see her again one day, and to hang onto that rock until she found her own HOPE. When that happened, she could give me that rock back...and that she didn't need to worry about when or how we would see eachother again. God would work it out.

So back to today. I am in the lobby greeting people and getting ready to go downstairs for my session. When all of a sudden, I see her. And she is smiling (which was a BIG thing). And she is beautiful. She walks up to me and immediately gave me a hug. Before I could even inquire as to how she was, she said she had something for me and hurredly pulled something out of her pocket. It was a clear plastic envelope. Inside of the envelope was the HOPE rock, a small wooden cross, and a bullet. Those three items tell a story. No words were needed. She was giving me something that three years ago, she never thought she would have the strength to hand over or the courage to find or the faith to believe. 

I thought the highlight of my day would be getting the opportunity to fulfill an aspiration. But it was so much better than that. That envelope and its three contents, were by far the highlight of my day...indeed a highlight of my life. Today I spoke about redemption. About God's ability to take our failures and our pain and to redeem it. I spoke about the fact that so often we go through horrible things in this life that we do NOT get to choose. Things that have the potential to destroy us, and if Satan had His way, they would. But while we don't get to choose much of what happens to us...we DO get to choose what we do with it. We serve a God who is in the business of redemption. It is so easy to get burnt out. To feel like there is just so much pain and so little hope. But this woman I saw today...she was in that darkness. She had to borrow HOPE. And she is still a work in progress, like we all are, but you know what? When she handed me that envelope today she was saying, I believe, Kristen. I found a sliver of hope. I am choosing life. And she said it all with her beautiful smile and those three objects...no words were needed. The smile that for so long, was hidden. But God redeemed that too.

I have decided, many months ago, that it is time for me to take a break from counseling for awhile. I put my notice in at the counseling office in December and have slowly been phasing out my clients. I am finally down to just one and am about to close that one out to. I have struggled over this decision. Being a therapist has become part of my identity. It has been a privelege and joy. I have been absolutely humbled by those who have let me in and allowed me to walk with them in their journeys. They have taught me more in the past 4 years than I had learned in all my years previous. But it is time, for now. I can't balance it all. With the addition of Everett, I just can't seem to wear all of the many different hats and to wear them well. I will continue to teach for the time being, but at the end of the day, I don't want regrets when it comes to raising my children. I want to know that job had my all. So for now, this is a decision that had to be made. I cried when I told my boss and I will cry when I walk out of there for the last time.  But God has been showing me that there are opportunities everywhere. To show grace, to offer hope, to join people in their stories. It just looks a little different. And I am becoming ok with that. 

My "career" if that is what you want to call it, has never really been mine anyway. I knew God wanted me to get my masters. I did that in faith that He would provide opportunities, and every single step of the way, He has. Before I have even asked or looked for jobs or internships, He has brought opportuniteis my way. So I am not going to worry in light of this new leading. I am going to rest. I am going to trust. All of this (any talent I have, my education, my jobs, my family...my very life!) has always been His anyway.

God brought that dear woman back across my path. She gave ME something today. And it was so much more than those three objects in that little envelope. It was HOPE. And a tangible reminder that we serve a God who is in the business of Redemption. And you don't need a job to be part of that. Just a willing heart. And tonight, my heart is very, very full.

Beautiful Anya 3-8-12

Beautiful Anya

Remember Anya? Many of you prayed for her at the end of January when she was born at 27 weeks. We never anticipated that God would call her home when He did, but two short days on this earth and she was swept away to the perfection that is Heaven. We know that she is whole and well there. That she is carried by the very hands of God and that she lacks NOTHING. But we have a void here. We miss her. Her mama, especially. We are struggling through the sadness and the questions and the emptiness and the longing and clinging to truth and hope. Anya's brave mama wrote these beautiful words last week and I wanted to share them. They encouraged my heart and I pray they will yours as well. Please keep praying for Anya's mama. Anya brought hope just as her name promised and we want to honor the grace and mercy that God extended through her very existence. 

The day you came was a marvelous Day
I didn't know you'd soon go away.
By myself, I picked out your name
I wanted one that wouldn't make you ashamed

Daddy was far far away, that wonderful day
And the doctors came to say we should pray,
For my precious little package of Joy

They said we wouldn't have you for long
Oh but that couldn't be true,
because you were like a new song
Of Joy and love and newness from above
We new we couldn't lose this child that we loved..

Doctor after doctor shook their head in dismay

But doctor, doctor we really have prayed

My little Anya, you grew tired and weary
Mommy's eyes grew so teary

Oh Lord you came to take this baby back to you
Was there anything, anything, that I could do?
But HE in HIS mercy and very great Grace
Lovingly Took you, back to Your original Place

We only had you for such a short while
But Little Anya, how you made MaMa smile
I will never forget, your big blue eyes,
thick black hair, and soft baby cries.

You were ever so brave for such a little girl
Mommy never even got to say good-bye
But one thing I know and truely believe
That you are sitting right by our Savior's knee

There is no doubt, and that is for sure
I will see you again, while this world we endure
Once again to be united way above
Wrapped in the Arms of our Savior's Love 

~HN (Anya's mama)