Its Worth It

I had grand intentions of enjoying this pregnancy to its fullest extent. I wanted to cherish it, knowing that barring something totally unexpected, this will most likely be the last time I will ever experience this. I never thought I would be ready to say that, but as the pregnancy sickness started rolling in, the deal was pretty much sealed. I have decided, I just can't do this again. And I don't want to. I feel inexplicable peace with 4. I am SURE I will have baby fever again, but to the greatest extent that I will ever feel done, I feel done. But then again...I am in the throws of barfing...

So yeah, the enjoying went out the window...oh, around a month ago. The first week of being sick (started at 5 1/2 weeks), I tried to talk myself out of it. But after a week of it, and week after week getting a bit worse, I just succombed. I am not enjoying this. I am a slave to food. If I don't eat it, I get sick...but if I do eat, the wrong thing (and I have NO good foods this time), I get sick. I can't even hear Jonathan getting a glass of water without having the urge to gag. So, I am down to drinking white cherry gatorade and cranberry juice. And I fight myself to get those down. I have only lost 2 pounds, but with Everett I was able to gain in the first trimester. I have been hibernating in my home for this entire break and its made this manageable. But the kids go back to school tomorrow, and reality is going to quickly settle in as I start work the week after next. My busiest semester yet. Yeah, I didn't exactly plan this beautifully. But again, I dropped the control aspect, so it is what it is. I am teaching 17 credits this semester, and that includes my first time teaching for Cedarville, online. If your a praying person, I can use the prayer. At this point, I know I WILL do this, but I have no idea how. I have already talked to the school about barf bags hiding outside my classroom, and a closer parking spot. I wish I was kidding. I also wish I was like normal women and this would be over in three weeks. I can't even imagine. I am still holding a shred of hope that it WILL go away after the first trimester, but if my last three pregnancies were any indicator...I am in this for the long run.

The good: I am so thrilled to be pregnant. I know this is a privelege not to take lightly. I also know that this will pass. After 39 weeks, I will get my life back and a precious baby to boot. I am not fighting for my life, and I have the privelege of carrying a life. That is a lot to be thankful for. So I am trying to savor the little moments...like when I wake up in the morning and for the first moment, before I move...I feel nothing. I treasure that minute. Or moments like this picture I just posted on facebook where Everett and I say "Cheers" and knock our squeezable applesauces together while cuddling in my bed. Yes, I wish I could feel better, but for now I am still able to bask in the awe of what my body is doing, and the privelege that I have been given.

So we didn't make it to church today. Instead, we listened to my favorite pastor, Alistair Begg on Truth for Living. He gave a great message on Jacob and his personal encounter with God. Got me thinking. So often when we encounter God, it is NOT a great, amazing experience that we want to live through again and again. Most often, God uses suffering to get our attention. Note, I did not say causes suffering...but uses it. So often, this year I cried out wondering where God was in the events of our lives. It felt like so much was crumbling. And in many ways, I feel like I was on a crash course headed straight for what came my way. So many different things played together to make the awful crescendo that finally occured. We don't know that we are in on the brink of crisis, until that moment when it happens. So often I have gone back in my mind to the moment before I knew what I now know. It was as though I was on a cliff and had no idea that in 2 seconds I would step off. I have debated, sought counsel, and read so many books on the source of pain and suffering. Who causes it, what the purpose is, where God is in it. I decided that Satan meant it all to destroy me. And it almost did. I almost gave up on nearly everything I believed to be true. It was an attack on the core of who God made me to be. For a few weeks, I even decided that I didn't want to care about people anymore. It felt so much safer to only love those closest to me. And that even felt risky. But God showed up. He met me in the darkness. He didn't let that which He gifted me with, to be stolen. But He did prune me. I wrestled with so much (and still do). I wrestled with God. I wrestled with myself. What am I getting at? Well, I am not sure who caused what and how much human free will played into it. But this I am sure: God used it. And He got my attention. And I am different because of 2012. I don't want to relive it. I would do it all VERY differently. But that is because I learned. Pain causes us to move. Jacob came through his struggle with God a changed man. Everyone knew it. He was changed on the inside, but it came at a price. He walked with a limp for the rest of his life. But it was worth the change. And I felt that this morning as I listened to Alistair. I felt that it was worth it. And that, my friends, is huge. If your not there yet, its ok. I needed people to remind me of that when I was in the throes of disaster. Be patient. Your only responsibility is to be obedient. Whatever that looks like in this moment. Moment by moment.
I by no means have this all figured out. I am largely still in the middle of the mess in my head and heart. But I wanted to share the little tidbit of encouragement I received this morning while laying on my couch. After all, its the little things that keep us going...like sharing applesauce with your almost 2 year old while listening to his sweet voice saying, "Cheers Mama!" Yep...its worth it. ;-)