Crisis of Faith

So it is no secret that we went through a crisis this summer, and looking back it was as though the event at the end was the crescendo. So many little things led up to it, and then BAM. I had so many deep questions coming into the summer, but going out I was most certainly in a crisis of faith. You know that spot, I am sure. Where nothing seems certain anymore. Where nothing makes sense. Where you feel like you can't voice anything to anyone because they will certainly write you off as a heathen. Or you will cause someone else to stumble because of your own unbelief. So for the most part, you hold it in. Except I had these amazing friends. People that know me so well and that saw past the hurt and the questions and the crisis of faith, to my heart. They encouraged me, loved me, blessed me, talked to me endlessly, cried with me, told me truth in the face of lies, and refused to let me give up on what God had called me to. I will forever be grateful for these people. I want to be what they were to me, to anyone else who is ever in that spot. It was as though they were the hands and feet of Jesus. Really...they made Him feel tangible to me...His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, His grace, His tenacity...all of it.

During that time I listened to truth at every chance I had. Christian music spoke more to me than anything else. One of those dear friends made me a mix cd of songs that she thought were for her, but ended up being meant specifically for me. I have everyone of them memorized. But as I started to come through, I have stopped listening so intently to music. It began to remind me of the person and the season that was last winter, spring and summer. I realized this in the past few weeks. That I had developed an aversion to the very thing that got me through because of its association with the person who put me in that spot. And then I realized that if I let that person take my music, it was just another victory for them. Yet another thing that they stole from me. Because God has always used music to speak to my heart. So I put Pandora on this morning...on the docking station. And I even turned it to the old channel that meant so much in August and September and then grew so cold in October and November and December. I turned it up LOUD, and Everett and I listened all morning. The memories did pour in, but I pushed through. These songs were meant to encourage my heart. And they did.

I remember going through a tough time in high school around the time that Twila Paris's song, "I Will Listen" came out. I think I may have just seriously dated myself, but ah well. Anyway...the lyrics of that song ministered so greatly to my heart during that time. Recently, someone posted about the song on facebook. I had all but forgotten about it. So I jumped on itunes and bought it, and as I listened to it, the words had the same exact effect on me that they had all those years ago.
Hard as it seems standing in dreamsWhere is the dreamer now?Wonder if I wanted to tryWould I remember how?
I don't know the way to go from hereBut I know that I have made my choiceAnd this is where I stand until He moves me onAnd I will listen to His voice
This is the faith, patience to waitWhen there is nothing clearNothing to see, still we believeJesus is very near
I cannot imagine what will comeBut I've already made my choiceAnd this is where I stand until He moves me onAnd I will listen to His voice
Could it be that He is onlyWaiting there to see?If I will learn to love the dreamsThat He has dreamed for me
Can't imagine what the future holdsBut I've already made my choiceAnd this is where I stand until He moves me onAnd I will listen to His voice

See...I am through the crisis, but the wreckage remains. I recently had a dear friend ask me how I came through that crisis of faith because she is in it. I think about her question every day, and have yet to owe her an answer. At the end of the day, I just made a choice. Either Jesus is Who He said He is, or else everything is meaningless. All of it. Everything. I would rather be deemed a fool for believing, than live my remaining years in the hopeless meaninglessness of this life being just about me and my 75 measly living years. So much does NOT make sense. It never will. Which is, I guess why He asks us to have faith "like a child." If we could answer every question, there would be no reason for faith. I know that it is so much more complicated than that...but there is a peace in my soul that God is Who He says He is, in the face of the uncertainty of this world and the confusing, earth shattering, death and dying tragedy that occurs in this world. I don't think God causes it, but I choose to believe that He is in it and over it. I have made my choice. 

Can I encourage you today that if you know someone questioning, or hurting, grieving or in pain, to MEET THEM THERE. Don't lecture them, or inundate them with should's. Support them. Love them. No matter how long it takes. Speak truth in love, but show them tangible grace and mercy and love. In so doing, you may have the awesome privelege of being part of the bridge that crosses the gap for them. No matter where you are today, listen to His voice, in whatever way that comes through for you.