Sorry!!!
Usually it feels as though I have been married for a lifetime. I can hardly remember what it was like to live with my parents, not include someone in all of my decisions, not share financial and spiritual responsibilities. I can hardly remember what it was like to not have another half...
But then at other times I feel like our wedding day was last week. A certain smell or feel to the air reminds me of that perfect day. Other times, I can remember so clearly wondering if/who God had for me and when I would meet him.
I am not afraid to admit that I had issues as a dating teen/early 20's. Blame it on my lack of a father, busyness of my mom and stepdad, or just plain immaturity, but I had serious commitment issues. I had one boyfriend before Jonathan. I had dated this guy for almost three years and then in the blink of an eye it was over, and he was getting married shortly thereafter. Add that to my bitterness and issues. Needless to say, by the time I got to college, I really was not in the market. Well, I was and I wasn't. I did not want a serious boyfriend, but of course, I was always secretly watching, wondering. Right after freshman year Christmas break my friends Kristin and Kelly (or maybe it was just Kelly that day...I can't remember), happened to sit in a different spot in chapel than we used to (bc someone had the audacity to take our "usual" spot). While listening ever so intently to the speaker (I have no idea who it was that day), I noticed this cute blond haired boy sitting about eight rows down from us (we were on the side of the chapel...going down from the balcony). Anyway, he was blonde and had this cute grey turtleneck sweater on. I also noticed that he was sitting near my unitmate, Sara. All during chapel I thought about asking her who he was, but that so not my nature! But after chapel, somehow, I found myself walking down to her (the cute blond being gone) and asking who that guy was...SO not me! She told me his name was Jonathan. Well, come to find out, later that SAME day Jonathan stopped Sara and my friend Megan on the sidewalk and asked them who the cute curly haired blonde girl they had been hanging out with recently was. Yep...me. Ironic...huh! So, they decided that we were going on a unit pick-a-date and were going to surprise me and pick him for my date. They did...and to spare you endless details and an everlastingly long story, suffice to say that we NEVER shut up the entire date, and I still get made fun of for the "looks" that Jonathan and I gave each other and the tones of voices that we used. Our first date (January 2000) was a couple weeks later, and from there we ended up engaged on Feb. 28th, 2002 and married the following Aug 9. Jonathan was such a pursuer...he never let me go, even when I pushed and pushed and pushed him away (see above commitment issues). Over time, we worked through our immaturities and issues, and by the time of our engagement, I know that we both felt and could see the hand of God guiding, leading and healing us so that we could unite as one.
It has always been so important to me to marry "the right one". I knew there would be no second chances. Not only do I think divorce is scripturally wrong, I lived through it, and I would never do that to my children or my family. That is why I had to know...not just feel that Jonathan was right. In so many ways, God proved to me, spoke to me, really, that I could find my forever in Jonathan. That knowledge was and is priceless to me.
Marriage is truly amazing because in every way possible, you merge two souls, two personalities, two bodies, and two lives together. So much so that after a few years of it, you have a very difficult time figuring out where one ends and the other begins. For a time, I struggled with this, feeling like I had lost a sense of self (who I was apart from my marriage and my role as mother). But I am coming to learn that who I am cannot be separated and compartmentalized. Knowing myself, means knowing Jonathan, and while my marriage and role as mother do not necessarily define me, they make indelible marks on my identity and again, are knit into the fiber of my being.
I am so thankful for my husband. He works so hard to provide for us, and does an amazing job. Whatever he does not know, he learns. If he cannot do something, he works at it until he can. He is a father who LOVES his son. He has the ability to find pleasure in the things that Landon says and does, and the wisdom to enjoy every moment that he can with his boy. He is faithful and true. Never, not one time, ever has he lied to me nor anyone else I know. He communicates (actually, he is better at this than even I am) and seeks to reconcile when such needs to happen. He seeks for us to grow rather than remain where we are. And he loves me. No matter what, I always, always know that. There is a deep, deep well of love inside of that man, for me. Wow! What girl does not dream of saying that someday! I have been able to say it for years now, but today I shout it from the roof tops, because it is a testimony to God's faithfulness that true love does indeed exist. That it is not just for fairy tales...there is so much more to it than the world has to offer. Yes, there are difficult times, and no, it is not always easy...but in the end love is a choice, and I praise my God that I have a husband who chooses to love me every single day, even when he may not feel like it.
So four years and counting. Today I got a card from my Grandma and she said that she prays one day I will say to her..."We made it, Grandma...61 years and we are still going!" Because of God's faithfulness and grace, today I say, "We made it Grandma...4 years and counting...and we are going...and going and going and going." Praise God! Happy Anniversary, Honey. I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment