Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I Tell Them...I Tell Them Not...For weeks now...perhaps even longer than a month, I have been debating whether or not to let the Xanga world in on our family planning. I had thoroughly decided not to, but last month when I got a big negative on the stick (a few times actually) and then a visit from the monthly little friend, I was so sad that I thought seriously about posting my feelings. However, sanity got the better of me, and I am so glad because the very next day I was feeling much better and probably would have loathed the emotional post I surely would have written. Anyway, we are on to the trying again, in fact, we are done with that and in what I like to call "The Waiting". I think these two week waiting periods that women have to endure before they know if or if not they are pregnant are sheer torture. You second guess everything, constantly battle hope versus not getting too hopeful, and deeply desire to fast forward your life at least 10 days. I sure would love to do that. Ok, so we waited awhile to get pregnant. Landon will be three in October. We had a lot to recover from after our surprise baby (AKA Landon) that happened while we were still in college (yes, we were married...we got married the summer before our Senior year, got pregnant six months later...that would make a great later post). Anyway, we waited until we were absolutely ready for another, assuming all of the while that when we tried it would happen very easily, considering how Landon was conceived. However to our amazement, it has not happened that way. I suppose it has taken these months to teach us that we really have very little to do with when/if/how many children we have the privelege of having. God is the one who opens and closes the womb. Last month, after all of my negative results lmy husband said something very profound. He asked me if I believed that God has a specific child for us. To which I had to agree. When I began to focus my mind on my Heavenly Father literally knitting together a child for me, it became much easier to say, "This wasn't the month...whatever the Lord needed to make our baby wasn't there...here is to hoping for next month!" The time went very fast between then and the time spent "trying." However, now I am back in "the waiting" and my mind and soul and spirit are, not anxious really, but desperately wanting to know. I am finding it much more difficult to be patient and calm. I am second-guessing everything while at the same time, trying to convince myself that I am not pregnant so that if/when I find out that I am not I do not have to mourn a child that never was.So there it is. The news is out. I guess I am sharing this with you all because it is a huge part of our lives right now. We talk about it nearly every day. Not necessarily out of a sense of urgency or anxiousness, but out of anticipation and desire and hope. I think in our short time of trying and waiting we have learned a great deal. My hat goes off to those that wait for 6, 12, 18 months. I can only imagine how you must need the grace of God in such tangible ways. I am desperately praying that if I am not pregnant I will do a better job with handling it. At the same time, my hope this month is higher than any other and in light of that fact, I have a sinking feeling that a negative will be more difficult this month than any other. And so we wait. We did all we could do, and now we leave it in the Lord's hands...to form a child for us, or to choose to wait. Oh how I long for the former... | |
No comments:
Post a Comment