Happily Ever After 10-1-07

Happily Ever After

One of my very best friends from college (my maid of honor) had the fruition of her dream recently. She is 26, the same age as I am. She has struggled through the whole issue of singleness as so many of us have, except her struggle took a little longer than most of us had to wait. She graduated from Cedarville, and went to Dallas Theological to get her masters in counseling (same as me...just a different route). She has had so many adventures and opportunities, and has lived in the moment and embraced these years that she has had on her own. She was a bridesmaid in more weddings then she can probably count, and I am sure with each one her yearning to find the man God had for her grew. In as much as her yearning grew, I am quite sure that she had to begin to wonder if God had anyone for her. Indeed, the Bible promises us that He knows the desires of our hearts, but it never promises that everything we want, we will get. Sometimes He says "No" , and sometimes we don't understand why that is the answer, and we never will until Heaven when we fully realize that life is not about the here and now, but about eternity. But alas, for now, we live in this world, and so often we get bogged down in the here and now, in the finite, in our yearnings and our dreams and our idealogies of how our life will play out. When those dreams start falling apart or things happen differently than we desire or plan for, it doesn't always seem fair. What we yearn for is not bad in and of itself: a  husband for Megan, a baby for so and so, a good job for someone's husband. These are honorable things to desire and dream for. But what about when God says no. Does he take the yearning away? If one really submits their discontent to the Lord, will He take it away, even if the desire is never fulfilled?

There is something I yearn for. Something that in the wee hours of the night or even during the day, when I so often see resemblances to my desire, my heart almost breaks within me, for longing. What I desire is not material, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to obtain it, aside from pray. Kind of like a husband for those who are single or a baby for those who long to be parents or a prayer for an unsaved family member: it is an issue of constant trust, constant turning it over to the hands of the Lord, constant hope that He will fulfill the desire of your heart, and if He chooses not to, that he will remove the yearning from your soul, for if He does not, you cannot bear the possibility. Each day holds the possibility of hope, but each evening has the reality of emptiness.

Is it possible to be so content and to feel blessed beyond measure with what the Lord has given you, to realize His goodness, and to treasure His gifts, but at the same time to have a hole in your heart. A hole that in your humanness, seems to need filling. What does it practically look like to have God reach down and fill that hole without providing what you desire to deeply? Is it an issue of contentedness? Of being so filled with the spirit that your heart desires nothing aside from Him? Please, tell me how to get there. I want that. How can I want that so much and pray for it so fervently and yet, still battle this dream? How can I let the dream go? I don't want to feel this yearning. I want to say with every aspect of my life, "Christ is all I need!"

Megan got engaged recently. She met the man she so patiently waited for. She will make the most beautiful bride, certainly physically, but also spiritually...because she waited with grace and patience and hope and expectation...and peace. No, not always. She battled too. There were tears and weakness, but she fought the fight. Constantly. She never let herself or her dream consume her. Her friends all got married, had children and she was still single. But despite that, she never lost hope and always sought to turn her future over to the Lord, trusting that He would provide what she needed, while knowing what she wanted. God chose to provide her dream. She never settled for less that the best, she refused...and now she is marrying a wonderful man and in a few months, when she walks down that aisle, it will be a celebration in the truest sense.

If I ever receive the fruition of my dream, I want to say that I fought the good fight. I want to know that I waited in patience and hope and peace. I want to say that I trusted....not that I trusted God would provide this desire for me, because I don't know that He will, but trust that God is good and that whatever He chooses to do, He will do for His glory. I am not there. I don't really know how to get there. Instead, I live with a small piece of emptiness everyday. I hate it. I feel guilty for it. And sitting right next to that discontentment, is complete contentment with all that God has so graciously given me. I know, what a dichotomy.

Megan gave me hope and doesn't even know it. She was an example of grace and beauty even during the time of waiting...when there were no prospects on the horizon. It is so easy once you have been handed your dream, to be joyful and content, but it is during the waiting that shows the true character of one's heart. I desire so much to come forth as gold.