My House is So Quiet

My House is So Quiet

My mother in law just left...with my three year old in her back seat. This is his first trip to Nana's.without us..they live about two hours away. It had to happen sometime, so what better time to see if it will work out then now. She was so gracious to take him...hoping I can get a little more rest this way. These past few days have been somewhat crazy...so now if I can just stop worrying about Landon and missing him when I see his toys in random places then maybe I can get my much-needed rest.

The other day I was thinking about where I am with the Lord. I feel complacent and comfortable...too comfortable. I have been afraid to ask the Lord to move me to a place of more dependence on Him for fear of what may come. In my mind I was thinking of what it would be like if one of my children got sick or my husband died, or I got cancer. Then this thing with my nose happened. For a few minutes I wondered if I had some sort of fast growing tumor on my nose...it was that big. Then my mind floated to the what-ifs of a fatal disease. Turns out...I wasn't too far off on that one. Praise the Lord we could catch it in time and get in cured before it turned into meningitis...supposedly I wasn't too far off from that. The lymphnodes that swell when something gets into your spinal fluid were starting to swell when I first went in. All of this to say...I really do want to be on my knees in front of the Lord, walking moment by moment in His grace, needing Him in ways that comfortable life drowns out...experiencing Him in undeniable ways. But I am still afraid. Why? It is so human of me...and so like Satan to try to fool me into thinking that an easy life is the best life. I don't want to be fooled.

Humbled. I learned that through this too. Eight years ago I broke my nose in a few places...my face looked like someone beat me to a pulp. That was humbling, but at least if people looked at me, they could tell I had been hit in the face. This time...people just stared and I could read their thoughts of "What in the world happened to her?" When I went to Meijer to fill my prescrips on Monday I felt like death warmed over and was lugging my two children with me...both were tired and had already been with me to two different doctors. I was a mess...they were a mess...and these people's constant stares were about to make me lose it. I looked down as much as I could but there was no hiding the huge red thing on my face...it was practically screaming. I felt so insecure and kind of like a freak show. Then I realized anew how much stock I put in my physical appearance for everything from confidence to security. I care too much. That is the crux of it. I am not the type who wears a bunch of make-up or constantly has my hair in place, and I certainly don't have the trendiest of clothes...but ultimately I think I depend too much on my outward appearance.

My life is in over-drive right now. My mind is swirling with conversations and unsettling circumstances and I just wish it would all go away. I think that things like these happen in life to remind us why we don't want this earth to be our eternal home. Perhaps times like these remind us that in Heaven, there won't be this pain, misunderstanding, disatisfaction, and discontentedness. We won't be concerned about ourselves...which will basically solve all of these problems.

On a much lighter and better note...this past weekend we took Landon to the sand dunes for the first time. He loved them! I had Noah in my sling and was trying to keep up with Jonathan and Landon, but Holy Cow...climbing dunes with a baby strapped on you is HARD work. Maybe the three pounds I have lost in the past few days really stemmed from that evening in the dunes!  The view was gorgeous as you can see and eventually we stopped at the top of the most gorgeous one and laid there and talked while Landon played. I can't believe this majestic beauty is right in my backyard (not literally...figuratively).

Grad school starts up in a month...a little less than that actually. I can't believe how fast time is going! I am ready to learn and plow through these last 8 courses, but I am afraid of how difficult it is going to be with two kids. I know I can do it though...

Do ya ever feel just beaten down? Overwhelmed. So much going on inside of your head that you can't even begin to sift through it yourself, let alone be able to talk about any of it an a way that makes any sense at all. That is me right now.

Oh yeah...and for those that wondered....there is no xanga get together. There weren't enough people able to come to make it worth it. Maybe another time?!

I don't usually get sick...ever. Since I have had Noah I have had mastisis, pink eye, one cold and now this. Oh yes...and Landon has had a URI and pnemonia and Noah some terrible cold. What in the world?

Ok, I have eaten no lunch today and it is after 2pm. I should probably go find something to put in my stomach besides antibiotics  Thanks again, friends...for your prayers and concern. I simply cherish my friendships with you.