Landon Michael

Landon Michael

As much as this child has pushed me through the ringer lately, I was hit anew today with just how similar we are. Right now Noah is asleep, the little boy I watch on Wednesdays is asleep and Landon is sitting on his bed in his room reading a library book. He is reading it out loud just the way I have read it to him. He even tries to copy my intonation. He is so grown up.

So today was his first real day of preschool. I hyped it all up last night and all morning. He did great getting up earlier than usual, eating breakfast and getting ready. He even did fine once we got there. He was playing and all around me were kids crying bc their mom's were leaving. I was silently thanking the Lord that I did not have to deal with that bc Landon seemed so fine. Then I went to give him a kiss and a hug good bye and that is when I saw the tears. Big ones...all pooled up in his little eyes. He quietly said, "I just want you to stay, mom." I assured him I would be back but he clung to my arm and tried to keep eye contact with me through his blinding, huge tears that threatened to spill over. He was trying to be brave, but so unsure. In that fraction of a moment, the emotions I experienced on my first day of preschool washed over me. I cried. I didn't just have a few tears pool in my eyes...I bawled. But I had my best friend and cousin in my class who took me by the hand and made me walk through that classroom door. She stuck by me and saw me through that year. What would I have done without her? What would I now do without her?

I kept assuring Landon I would be back and eventually I parted ways from him. As I got into the car, I was surprised by the tears that came into my own eyes. I haven't really cried lately, probably bc I am just too busy to deal with emotions, but I took that moment to savor the beginning of a whole new realm of life for all of us: school. My baby was at school. My first born...the child I had held and nursed and thus far, taught everything he knows. Now someone else was teaching him and he was branching out. Today he took one more step away from me and towards independence. He doesn't even know it, but I do.

When I want to pick him up, his class was outside on the playground. I watched him scamper up the steps and across the bridge and down the slide...over and over. Then I heard the whistle and saw him stop immediately and line up behind his teacher...not bad for the first day. My mommy heart was so proud that he followed directions so quickly. When I picked him up his teacher told me she could tell he was going to be a helper. She is right....Landon loves to help and he has a very sensitive heart. As I sat behind a tree and watched him playing on the playground though, it was like peeking in on a Landon that I helped to create. At times he is a disaster, but at others I am so proud of the boy that he is. Ultimately, I know I have to do the very best that I can (that we can) and trust God for the rest...the rest being everything, really. Landon's life is not in my hands. There are things I can do to help shape him into a Godly man, but he has a lot of choices ahead of him and I will not be around to help him make all of those. I guess that is why my heart sailed this morning as I watched him hear that whistle and stand there a moment...and then choose to obey. He made the right choice...and I didn't tell him to do it...directly.

Children a gift from the Lord. They can cause a lot of heartache (and I know I am only beginning to experience this!) but they can bring so much joy. It is such a huge responsibility to help unfold these little people and to help them to become all that God intends them to be. Today I feel like my baby boy turned into a little boy...one more step out of my hands and arms and into his own being. I pray that we will be given the grace and the wisdom to teach our children well and to give them all of the skills they will need to become the people God intends them to be. For that is my greatest ambition as a mother: To know that my children love the Lord, walk with Him daily, and desire to live their lives for His glory.