One Year Ago 9-10-07

One year ago I peed on a stick. It wasn't the first one...in fact I had done it a few days earlier only to get a negative result. Then I lost all hope...and then a few days later it hit me with all certainty. I was pregnant. I knew it. I was afraid to take the test again, but so confident that I didn't even really feel the need for it. But I took it. Jonathan was at the store and as I laid it on the bathroom counter and waited to see that tiny little line show up my heart beat with anticipation...fear, anxiety, excitement, joy. Then I saw it. Very faintly...but clearly there was a line. We were having our second child.

I hid it in the closet because friends of ours were showing up any second. I made it through four hours of entertaining and as SOON as they were out of the driveway I dressed Landon up in a Big Brother shirt I had bought a few months earlier for the anticipated moment and sent him out to the living room to tell his daddy. Landon burst out, "I am a big brother!" and Jonathan's eyes fell to Landon's shirt. He was so excited and relieved. We were finally back on the roller coaster. We knew it would be a long ride. We hoped I wouldn't get sick again. We prayed for a healthy baby. We dreamed for our future.

I did get sick. All forty blessed weeks (well, 39). It did get a tad better from 21-30 weeks, but then I started throwing up again. We had the pre-term scare at 30 weeks, and then, despite being 4 cm and 90% effaced from 35 weeks on, Noah just wouldn't come. Then, four months ago tomorrow, we met the fruition of our dreams. Noah Grant, my little joy boy, made his entrance. Now, his smile greets me every morning and his soft coos (or veloso-raptor like screams...he just learned to stretch his vocal chords and thinks it is quite cool) sing himself to sleep at night. The boy has brought so much joy into our home, and filled a place we didn't even know was empty.

I can't believe it has been a year. The fall weather is making me feel sick. Last fall was my really sick time, and the smells and just the feel of the air brings it all back. This happened with Landon too...except it was spring time. It eventually goes away...just about when we are ready to have another one 

We went to the beach last night. All of the volleyball nets are down and the wind had whipped the sand into a flat, desert like area. It was as though it was winterized over night. The waves were huge and beautiful (Jonathan just had to go in because they were so big). I couldn't help but remember the last time we went last fall when I thought to myself, "This is probably the last time we will be here as a family of three." Now here we are ending another summer...as our family of four. Amazing how fast time flies.

The garage sale went as well as it could. The paper messed up our ad, so all we had for marketing were some signs. But, I brought in $225, which isn't too terribly shabby. It was a crazy busy three days though. That coupled with grad school just about did me in. I turned my paper in last night...so this week is a mid-term. One day at a time. I keep telling myself that  Thanks for all of your encouragement. You all really push me to keep everything in balance and to keep on keeping on with grad school. Your support is invaluable!

Saturday Jonathan asked Landon if he wanted to help him wash the cars. You would think someone asked Landon if he wanted to raid a toy store. He was so excited to "work" with his daddy. He rushed through breakfast, dug through his drawer to find "work" shorts, and enjoyed a full morning of doing manly things with his daddy. Precious. I stayed inside and worked on a paper all day...BORING!!!!!!!!!

Landon had a ridge filled on his tooth today. He gagged twice and two single tears slid down his cheeks. I was so proud of him. He really was a champ...I was just waiting for him to throw up all over the dentist or have a complete break down. It would have been warranted. He had four or five utensils in his tiny mouth. The dentist was YELLING at my son to keep his mouth open and threatening him that if he didn't he would not get a prize. I was so irate. The dentist tried to make me feel like Landon was uncooperative and I thought he did great. What 3 year old kid wouldn't be scared of getting a tooth filled?!?!?! I will NEVER be going back to this dentist. Ever. I never have liked him, and today was the final straw. What a jerk.

Noah is rolling both ways now. Not only that but my mom borrowed a bumbo seat for him from someone. I have wanted one so badly but didn't want to spend the money. Just got it today...and he loves it. He is also into screaming and growling. He laughs at himself. I think I mentioned I put away most of his 0-3 month clothes. I couldn't help but wonder as I did so, if I would ever use them again. I would love a girl next time, but it made me sad to think I may never see these boys clothes on another baby boy, ever. Time just goes so fast. So often I long to go back to my college days, even for a week....but they are gone forever. I know I will one day feel that way about this time in my life...one day I will long for my children to be babies and boys playing on the floor, but I won't be able to come back to this time. It will be gone. I wish I knew how to cherish every single day. I bet I would be a rich woman if I could figure it out  Some days I long for the future when I won't have to get two kids in and out of carseats, bathed and in bed, fed...days when all we will have to worry about is taking care of ourselves. I long for the simplicity of that...but I know that when those days come, these days will be gone and instead of coming home after a long day to baths and stories, I will come into my home and long for the sound of my boys. I know these things...now if only I could transfer my knowledge to action.

I suppose I should tackle some coursework for the remaining moments of naptime. If you think of it please pray for my sister and my brother. My sister, Jen, had to put her dog down yesterday that they have had for many years. I can only imagine how she is grieving as they loved this dog dearly and cared for her as they would a child. Jen is pregnant too...so pray for her health, especially during this time. My brother lives in CA and is single. He has a dog who is 13, I think. This dog is his companion in life...but Ozzy was hit by a car the other night. He is still alive (to my knowledge) but in a critical state. My brother is beside himself.