Happy First Birthday Everett 1-26-12

It just doesn's seem possible. Not at all. I remember a year ago so well...too well...as though it were last week or last month...certainly not last year! On January 25, Jonathan's sister Amy and my sister Brenn came over and we all went to BW3's for dinner to celebrate the impending birth of the baby. When we got home, my mom was at my house because she was going to spend the night as Jon and I had to head to the hospital early the next morning. I stayed up entirely too late that night, like I always do the night before labor. Everything has to be done and in order. I was excited to be done feeling nauseous and to have food taste remotely appetizing again. After 39 weeks of feeling sick and thinking twice before eating anything, I was super excited for my first post-baby meal. And to meet my new son. I was so curious as to what he would look like. Which brother would he look more like? Would my heart double in size at the sight of him? All of my answers came the next morning.

As we were about to leave for the hospital on January 26, my mom knocked on my bedroom door to inform me that Landon was barfing. He has a strong stomach...so I knew this was going to be a serious bug for him. I left for the hospital and throughout my labor, periodically checked in with my mom as to how he was doing. It was interesting that as I was laboring to bring another child into the world, my heart was also with my other little boy who was sick at home. By 11am the contractions were rolling in steadily. I wanted to do it naturally this time, or at least try. But by 11:20 I was begging for an epidural. I have a high pain tolerance but this just took me off guard. Labors vary with each child. Landons was about as bad as they come. Noahs was almost a breeze (and my epidural with him didnt kick in until after he was born), so I thought I could do this one on my own. But Everett's labor was more difficult than Noah's. So I begged. But just as they were about to give it to me (bc the nurse said I had 2-4 more hours to go), I had an odd sensation  and sure enough...there was no time for that epidural. The dr. literally pushed the anestesiologist out of the way and made her way to my bed. In what felt like weeks, I pushed and pushed. I knew the pain would go away if I could just get him out. AFter only ten minutes (but it felt like 10 hours) he was out. He was the most serene baby. So incredibly alert...so incredibly calm. Landon and Noah had cried a lot when they were born (especialy Noah), but Everett didn't really cry. He just looked at me...as though he could see my soul. All of our videos...of him getting weighed and the cord cut, etc...never so much as a wimper. Its like he knew he was home. 

The days and weeks went by so fast. Life seemed to go into hyper speed. I tried so hard to soak in the moments and to be purposeful in cherishing the smiles and cuddles, but in reality I felt like I was being pulled in a million different directions and no one was getting enough of me. It was an adjustment for sure. It was working...but I was exhausted. Then April happened when Everett had his emergency surgery. That was a game changer for me. I know it wasn't my fault. But I can't help but wonder (still today) if I had noticed earlier, if the outcome would have been different. I know he will be fine and I am so thankful for that. But I dread the day we have to tell him and if you know me deeply, you know why issues like this are such a big deal. Anyway, I spent 5 days alone with Everett once we got out of the hospital. Partly because both boys had the stomach flu (again) and partly bc I just needed some time to focus on him. To heal. To process what had happened. To make sure he knew how important he was to his mama. And he did. There was a moment in those five days that I swear he looked at me just like he did in the hospital when he was born. And he smiled into my eyes and if he could have talked he would have said, "Its ok, Mom. I know how much you love me. I know how far you would go to protect me. And I am going to be just fine. God made me. God knows your past. He knows your fears. And this isn't to scare you more, but to make you trust Him more." And then God whispered, " Kristen, he is mine, not yours, he always has been mine...all of your children are mine." "I am trusting you to care for them, but ultimately you have to trust Me that I know this child I knit together for you and that I love him even more than you do." I learned in that moment that I can try and try and try to protect my children, but some things are outside of my control. And if I dont learn to trust, I will go crazy. But through this experience...a bond was formed with Everett that was distinct. I have a different relationship with each of my boys and Everett's started to really take shape in that 4th month.

He is my baby boy. He is a mama's boy. His whole little face just lights up like a light bulb the minute he sets eyes on me. Don't get me wrong, he dearly loves his daddy too. I think he is closer to Jon than either of the other boys were at this young of an age. And he thinks his brothers are the coolest things ever. When I lay Noah down for nap Everett will try continuously to get into his room bc he thinks it is cool to be sneaky with Noah. And Landon. Oh Landon...the bond he and Everett have is just remarkable. So often I find myself stopping what I am doing and just listening to them interact, or I hide behind the corner so they don't see me and just watch them. They are beautiful those two. But ultimately, Everett loves his mama. And he wants to be with me and he thinks I am funny and he wants me to hold him or dance with him or sing to him or hold his hand. I know it won't always be that way...I have watched as my older boys take those steps of independence necessary to become men. But for now, I just store it all up in my heart. Every time he lets me rock him. Every time he sings God is so Good or Great is Thy Faithfulness right along with me. Every time he laughs his characteristic laugh or gets excited about some new facet of the world. Every time he catches my eyes with those deep eyes of him and flashes that beautiful smile, my heart is so thankful. So very thankful for this boy that I never knew I needed. So thankful to God for sharing our precious Everett with us. Happy First Birthday to my beautiful boy who looks a lot like his daddy, which is probably why he so completely stole his mama's heart. We love you so!