Hurt People Hurt People 8-3-12

Hurt People, Hurt People

I think I have always cared too much. Too much about what people think. Too much about what they do...or don't do. Too much. But I have grown. I have come to embrace the fact the people are responsible for themselves and I am responsible for me. I cannot use others or what they do to defend my own feelings or actions. I have to own my own behaviors and feelings, not put them on others. But it is so difficult, and becoming more so as time goes on. A lot of people I have worked with, have laid out a past full of hurt, usually at the hands of others. That hurt often causes them to behave in a way they wish to change, or to build walls that end up isolating them rather than protecting them. It is clear to see how hurt people, hurt people. The difficult question is how to stop it. How to stop the cycle of hurt. I know how to tell people to stop the cycle, and I have stopped it previously in my own life a few times. But other times it feels like I get slammed again and again and again. It begins to feel that no one is who I once thought they were. And I can feel the old habits sneak in. The desire to isolate, both physically and emotionally. The cynicism. The hope that seems to be sweating out of me each night as I run, trying to exercise out what I feel inside. 

I took the summer off from as much as I possibly could. I wanted to focus on my family, and get my priorities straight. I wanted to focus on the things that needed tweaking in my own family, instead of outside of my family. But here we are in August already, with school looming in just a few weeks. While some areas of my life feel more calculated and purposeful and as they should be, my insides feel a mess. The questions are exponentially more, and quite frankly, the disappointment, greater. I have read, prayed, exercised, sought guidance, tried to release control, de-stressed, organized, simplified. You name it. I did everything I would have told a client to do. But sometimes you can do everything "right" and yet, you still have to hold. There are no guarantees in life. No simple formulas. You can't just take 5 steps and be assured that things will change. But we can choose to be obedient. What that looks like in different situations varies and sometimes its blurry. I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I keep quiet, do I speak up? Do I keep my feet firmly planted or take a leap? 

This past year has been a year of losses. Not losses in the form of physical death, but in the form of losses of who I thought people were, of relationships, of marriages, and of ideals. In many ways it seems that much of what I thought people were, isn't reality. People that I thought I knew so well. A past that is mine, but the foundational stones have been shaken. I could handle it the first and second time, but as these things keep hitting like waves, it feels as though I can't quite keep my head above water. I want to keep believing in people's ability to change for the positive, and in the image they portrayed to me, and I want to keep trusting and letting people in. But more than anything, all of this is showing me that I put entirely too much stock in others. To be let down this hard, this much, it proves to me that no one is exactly who I think they are. And neither am I. 

Are Christians hypocrites? Sure. We all are...no one is completely true to what we want to be. We sin. A lot. Just like people who reject God or deny His existence. And sin hurts. Almost all of the most awful stuff I have heard this year has been dealt at the hands of Christians. Who am I to judge their heart? I have to stop asking the question of "how could they" and start asking "how will I not?" Because, again, I am not responsible for them, but I am responsible for my response. Because while it feels like everyone is taking the easy way out (its the American way...pop a pill, eat in front of the television, end relationships when they get too difficult), and seemingly doing just fine, I still have to be ok with my story at the end of the day. Do I want my story to read that I took the easy way. Held onto the anger, finagled my life to be as easy as possible? And that it all turned out ok? Or do I want to work hard, persevere, forgive, with no promise of ease? I dont want easy. I want real. I want different. I don't want short term ease for longterm complacency. And yet...I am tired. Of taking the road less travelled. Of being disappointed. By others and by my response to their behaviors. And I am realizing that my disappointment with others, is also a disappointment in myself. People tell me all of the time that I am too hard on myself. I can hear it right now. And to some degree, they are right. I am my own worst critic. But I want something different. I want to give something different than I see all around me. Something different than has been given to me. But right now I just feel tired, and licking my wounds feels like all I am capable of. But I know if I give in to the feelings, the hurt will take over. Which brings me back to the obedience issue. And grace. And realizing that at any moment, I can make decisions based upon hurt instead of redemption, that perpetuate the cycle. 

So what am I getting at? None of us are perfect. Stop looking for perfection. Stop looking to PEOPLE for validation and happiness and security. Because they will let you down every time. I will let you down. I am practically yelling at myself here. Because I keep looking for someone...to help me see that living as I feel called to live is not insane or ignorant. What is loving radically? What does that practically look like? Guess what! Its messy. It hurts. And it doesn't always turn out great. But we shouldn't be loving till it hurts for the outcome. We do it because we are obedient. Because we are modeling after the One we say is our Master. We don't love only when its easy. Or feels good. Or people pat us on the back. We love because He first loved. 

I can love. The part I struggle with is the forgiving. The vulnerability. The re-opening. Because we weren't just called to love radically, but to forgive radically. This one is so much more difficult for me. My defenses run so high. The deeper the hurt, the stronger the defense. But its wrong. This response deepens the hurt and perpetuates the cycle of hurting others out of my hurt. So often I have searched and begged for wisdom on how to forgive. And what it really looks like. And how to balance forgiveness (and love) with healthy boundaries. Because I don't want to be a doormat to be walked all over time and again. But I do want to be someone who loves freely and walks in the freedom that forgiveness offers. When I harbor anger or hurt (I often transform hurt into anger because somehow it doesn't feel so vulnerable), I can feel the cynicism start to creep in like water lapping at my feet. I have felt that for months. And with each let down, I feel the water rising. I know there is a battle going on. All of this doesn't happen at once for nothing. Its not coincidence. And its not all about me either. But what I am realizing in the dark of this night is that my battle now is just in being obedient in each choice in each day. I have fought the fight, but the battle is not mine. I am laying down my weapons. I am going to fight only to trust in the God who has already won. The books were good and the de-stressing healthy. But I am still battle weary, and quite frankly, wounded. So for now, I am handing it over. It wasn't my battle in the first place. I can't change anything, or anyone. I can't make the past more of what I wish it were or thought it was. I can't make people be who I want them to be or who I thought they were. And I can't be everything for everyone. God owns all of this, and even if He redeems none of it this side of Heaven, I hope He will use it. Because I am laying down, hands raised up. Giving it up. Not sure if that means He will ask me to walk deeper into it, or give me the assurance that I can walk away from it as it is, nothing more to do. But either way, it won't be me fighting the battle anymore. We weren't made to fight alone. To rely alone on self help, and psychological strategies. We were made to live this life in relationship and communion with the One who can comfort us in our need, give us wisdom in our wonderings, grant hope amidst despair. His yolk is easy and His burden light. There is a reason that one day is better in His courts than a thousand elsewhere. I am laying it down. Its not about me anyway. It never was. And I am sick of believing the lies that it was and the havoc those lies have wreaked on me and my life. Believing and living out that last statement will be so much more difficult than reading some books and trying to "fix" what was broken. But therein lies the peace I am searching for. Personal obedience in the face of other's hurtful disobedience. Grace allows us each to choose. So what will it be?