The Story Does Not End Here
Three years ago this past month, I met my first ever counseling client. I remember so well getting the client information sheet with just two sentences scribbled on it detailing the client's perceived problem. I can still remember what those sentences said. I remember standing on the interior of the waiting room door before opening it and greeting her. I was so nervous and so unsure. I couldn't believe that on this first day of my internship, I was going to be responsible for this woman on the other side of the door. I knew once I opened that door, I was opening the door to a whole new chapter of my life. I hesitated before opening it. In those moments, I contemplated how I had gotten to this point and if I was ready for the responsibility that lay ahead of me. The courage to open the door came when I realized that I was ready for this one client. I knew that God had given her to me, for such a time as this. Our paths were meant to cross. Not just so that I could "help" her, but because we would journey together and grow through the process. Some of you may remember her, for she became quite memorable. Or rather, God's work in her life became quite memorable. Many of you probably remember her, but for a refresher you can read her story here: http://www.innocentstorm.blogspot.com/2009/09/under-influence-of-what.html .
As I sit here and think about the faces and stories that I have come into contact with in the past three years, I am totally overwhelmed by the magnitude of what I have fought for, fought against, journeyed with, prayed over. People who have graciously allowed me into the scariest, darkest parts of their lives. Faces I won't ever forget, stories engraved on my heart. I would like to say that each of the individuals found what they were looking for through counseling. I dont know that is true, but I can say that I have been forever changed. I have been challenged and I have learned what feels like a lifetime of lessons. Experience has taught me more in the past three years than ten years of schooling. There have been highs, like what happened with "C", and there have been lows. There have been times where I fought valiantly for people who no longer believed in themselves, people who had given up on others or on faith or hope or love, and even for people who wanted to give up on life. And there have been times where I felt beat up. When I didn't have answers.
There are parts to everyone's story that we wish we could rewrite, or tear out of our books. But I have learned that God uses those parts of our lives the very most. Its the whole, "Turning weakness into strength" thing that He does so beautifully. God has used my own darkest memories and most difficult parts of my past to help me meet others in the dark place. The parts of my story that I wish I could rip out of my book. The parts that I didn't know how I would survive when I was going through them. These are the parts that now help me to understand the depth of human pain I witness in the four walls of an office when journeying with another.
"C" was my first ever client. Her story was beautiful and 100% God. He had a plan for her and her family (as He does for every individual). He chased her with persistence. Her story didn't end how many of us envisioned that it would. Humans always have free will and choice...for without that we could not love. Most dont even know where her story is at today. That is ok, it is her story to tell. But as I have met with her occasionally over the years, I have thought over and over and over the details of that entire scenario and even questioned God as to what it was all for. But when I met her a few weeks ago, her faith still so alive and vibrant, the change was still evident. The snapshot may not look like we had envisioned. But that doesn't mean that God is not present. That His grace is not evident. That His work is not done. She is beautiful. An inspiration to me, a beautiful, precious real life picture to me of how God pursues us, loves us, changes us, accepts us, blesses us, provides for us, and "makes all things new." Through trying to help "C" find what she needed and introducing her to the Jesus I knew, God met me in places of my heart I didn't even know existed. Talk about a counseling case to ride on for years to come...there is so much hope packed into that story. There wasn't always hope. There used to be much despair, shame, guilt, and destruction. But God is a God of Redemption. And He has reminded me of that over and over and over again with the stories and people that He allows me to journey with throughout life, not just in the counseling office, but at the college, in the grocery store, with my friends.
I am in the midst of a situation right now that feels eerily similiar. Something that feels so much larger than myself. God whispered a message to me many months ago when he asked me to be grace to someone who had never experienced it before. Over and over and over, He has chanted grace to me. I have watched a transformation begin to take place. But when the walls unexpectedly crashed down recently, it shook us all. I didn't see the story ending this way. I couldn't understand why when His message was grace, it appeared that in the greatest hour of need, that He would not be gracious. I cried out in anger and questioned it all. The situation kept going from bad to worse. I kept assuring her that she was at the bottom and that things could only get better. But it just kept getting worse, until the bottom fell out. There were a few hours that I thought all hope may be gone. But still, God whispered Grace to me, for her.
I dont know how this story is going to end. Somedays I feel so overwhelmed by it all that I literally have to force one foot in front of the other. Its as though God is opening the vault on the very questions that I have tried to run from. Questions that in the past, have caused me trouble. But He has opened that vault back up. He isn't afraid of the questions because they are the very things that cause faith to go deeper, to become more woven into the fiber of our very lives. This story is nothing about me, but through it, God is breathing hope back into my soul. Which is ironic because at this very second, the situation appears utterly hopeless. I dont have the answers and I do not know what is going to happen. The only thing I know is what God is asking of me. That is clear as day to me. And what is that? To be grace, to the best of my human ability. To offer Hope, in the darkness. To pour myself out, even when nothing makes sense and it all feels entirely too overwhelming. I have no idea how this story will end or what the picture will look like in a year from now, or ten. All I know, right now, is that God is up to something that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. God is weaving together an incredible story of redemption. Right now, we are in the pit, the hopeless ugly pit of despair. But the sunrise is coming. And even though it is dark right now, I see Hope rising. And even though a week ago I questioned, today I am choosing to praise the God who gives and takes away. The God of Redemption...the One who makes all things new.
I am writing this in the pit of uncertainty. Which means that no matter what we feel, or how things appear, we are choosing to cling to Truth. We are searching and believing for the One who gave Grace and Mercy...and because of these, HOPE.
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