Hope 3-24-12

Hope

I had an awesome opportunity today to speak at the Growing in Grace Conference in Southwestern Michigan. I was among colleagues and friends and while I didn't know most of the 125ish people present there were a few people there that I had crossed paths with at various points in my life. After one of my break out sessions, a woman came up to me and told me that she remembered me when I was a young child and had attended that church. Another woman wanted my contact information in the event that I would be willing to share with her women's group. I ran into "C", and had wonderful, renewing conversations with old colleagues that still feel like home to me. The therapist's at Well of Grace and Southwestern Medical Clinic were the ones that taught me to fly. The ones who inspired me and believed in me and modeled for me how to properly integrate psychology and faith. It was with these people that I first started on this counseling journey. I fell in love with counseling under the leadership of these individuals. 

Today they afforded me an opportunity to stand and speak in two break out sessions. It was a neat day for me. I have loved public speaking since I gave my first student council speach in 10th grade. I have dreamed of writing a book some day, and speaking publically in some form. So today was pretty exciting to feel as though I got to take a step in that direction.

But the highlight of my day? The highlight came at the very beginning. I was in the lobby, greeting and directing people when one of my clients from during my internship (early 2009) walked into the room and caught sight of me. This woman is the one who inspired my post on April 24, 2009 when I first encountered the problem of pain. This client was a game changer for me, for many reasons. She forced me to ask questions and find real answers that up until that point, I had given ridiculously empty answers to. I have ached for this woman, and I remember feeling so very priveleged that she had allowed me to journey with her in her pain and through her story. Back in 2009, I gave her a flat stone with the word HOPE inscribed on it. I told her to carry it with her as a symbol. That she could borrow my hope until she found her own. On my last session with her, I told her that I would see her again one day, and to hang onto that rock until she found her own HOPE. When that happened, she could give me that rock back...and that she didn't need to worry about when or how we would see eachother again. God would work it out.

So back to today. I am in the lobby greeting people and getting ready to go downstairs for my session. When all of a sudden, I see her. And she is smiling (which was a BIG thing). And she is beautiful. She walks up to me and immediately gave me a hug. Before I could even inquire as to how she was, she said she had something for me and hurredly pulled something out of her pocket. It was a clear plastic envelope. Inside of the envelope was the HOPE rock, a small wooden cross, and a bullet. Those three items tell a story. No words were needed. She was giving me something that three years ago, she never thought she would have the strength to hand over or the courage to find or the faith to believe. 

I thought the highlight of my day would be getting the opportunity to fulfill an aspiration. But it was so much better than that. That envelope and its three contents, were by far the highlight of my day...indeed a highlight of my life. Today I spoke about redemption. About God's ability to take our failures and our pain and to redeem it. I spoke about the fact that so often we go through horrible things in this life that we do NOT get to choose. Things that have the potential to destroy us, and if Satan had His way, they would. But while we don't get to choose much of what happens to us...we DO get to choose what we do with it. We serve a God who is in the business of redemption. It is so easy to get burnt out. To feel like there is just so much pain and so little hope. But this woman I saw today...she was in that darkness. She had to borrow HOPE. And she is still a work in progress, like we all are, but you know what? When she handed me that envelope today she was saying, I believe, Kristen. I found a sliver of hope. I am choosing life. And she said it all with her beautiful smile and those three objects...no words were needed. The smile that for so long, was hidden. But God redeemed that too.

I have decided, many months ago, that it is time for me to take a break from counseling for awhile. I put my notice in at the counseling office in December and have slowly been phasing out my clients. I am finally down to just one and am about to close that one out to. I have struggled over this decision. Being a therapist has become part of my identity. It has been a privelege and joy. I have been absolutely humbled by those who have let me in and allowed me to walk with them in their journeys. They have taught me more in the past 4 years than I had learned in all my years previous. But it is time, for now. I can't balance it all. With the addition of Everett, I just can't seem to wear all of the many different hats and to wear them well. I will continue to teach for the time being, but at the end of the day, I don't want regrets when it comes to raising my children. I want to know that job had my all. So for now, this is a decision that had to be made. I cried when I told my boss and I will cry when I walk out of there for the last time.  But God has been showing me that there are opportunities everywhere. To show grace, to offer hope, to join people in their stories. It just looks a little different. And I am becoming ok with that. 

My "career" if that is what you want to call it, has never really been mine anyway. I knew God wanted me to get my masters. I did that in faith that He would provide opportunities, and every single step of the way, He has. Before I have even asked or looked for jobs or internships, He has brought opportuniteis my way. So I am not going to worry in light of this new leading. I am going to rest. I am going to trust. All of this (any talent I have, my education, my jobs, my family...my very life!) has always been His anyway.

God brought that dear woman back across my path. She gave ME something today. And it was so much more than those three objects in that little envelope. It was HOPE. And a tangible reminder that we serve a God who is in the business of Redemption. And you don't need a job to be part of that. Just a willing heart. And tonight, my heart is very, very full.