Where Am I 10-14-11

Where am I?

There is a lot of "difficult" right now. It seems to be all around me, and before me. It swirls in and through my days, my relationships, and my interactions. But life is so busy right now, I barely have a moment to even begin to truly allow myself to feel. I dont think I am necessarily running from the feelings, as much as I am just trying to survive the rat race right now. Going from one thing to the next, trying to savor the moments, and drink in the memories and the remaining warmth of autumn. I realized something last weekend when we thought we may be facing another crisis situation with one of the kids. Emergencies demand that you stop. And while we all dread the very thought of that, it is the stopping that allows us to feel. When Everett had his surgery last year, I holed up afterwards. I didnt even want to go home bc I knew when I walked out of the hospital that life would be overwhelming again. But in the moments that we were in the hospital, we were focused...on one thing. I long for that focus, sans the emergency.

I remember when I was nieve. When I thought having a baby was all about dressing her up and showing her off. When I had aspirations of starting a pregnany center for teen moms. When I didn't know the red tape involved in doing something like that, or the people that would threaten to make it ineffective. I remember when the world seemed to fit neatly into my belief system. When there was a lot of black and white, and little grey. When things made sense and people stayed true and faithful. 

What am I getting at? I want to hibernate. I want to take my family and go start a little village up in the mountains. Sounds creepy, huh? I long for the quiteness that once was. I remember when Grandpa died, for a few days, the world stopped. Everything slowed down. All of this stuff wasn't important any more and we could just focus on eachother and the issue at hand. Why does it take a tragedy or a near tragedy to evoke this quiet? We live in a fast paced society. Its not just that I work. Its that Landon is in karate. And has 30 minutes of homework every night and Jon just finished an insane month. Its that everyone wants your time and your commitment and your service. I think I am burnt out. If only for a little while. I am hanging out my sign, "Gone fishing." Or "Gone Crazy" or "Hibernating for the Winter." I think I need a retreat or something