Finding Balance 10-4-09

Finding Balance

As much as I can, I tend to be open and honest with you all. You have watched as I struggled through being a student, a mom, a wife, and a daughter. You have watched and encouraged and inspired me in all of it. Now I have embarked on a new journey of work. I am loving it and finding great purpose and meaning in it all. But talking about the reality of it is difficult for me, well...because it isn't always met with encouragement and support. But that is ok. I understand fully that we all do what we do, make the choices we make...because it is what best fits our family or it is what we feel God has called us to. And sometimes, when we make those decisions we feel a bit unsure...or lacking purpose. And we just want to know that the decisions we made are the BEST and that the ways others are choosing to run their families is not better than what we have chosen. And so we pick. We jab. We talk amongst ourselves about so and so who decided to work outside of the home and how her whole family is suffering, etc. We tear others down, not because we are malicious or mean spirited people. But because at the core of our being, we are unsure...and it makes us feel better to discount what others are doing if it differs from what we have chosen. I have been there. I have done this myself. The good news, though, is that I get it. So it doesn't hurt as much...because I know in my heart that just as I am constantly seeking to find balance and meaning and purpose and the perfect scenario (as if there is one!) for my family, so are those who may think that what I have chosen is ridiculous and wrong.

But given this and the fact that I know it is out there, it is a little difficult to come before you broken and honest. But here I am...broken and open...because no matter how I try to spin this post, the truth of what I feel right now will still come through. The really complicated part is that there is much of the story that I can't share...because of the personal nature and out of respect for those I call family. So as I share my newest stress, many of you will most likely think I am ridiculous (again) for feeling what I feel. Know that I am sharing a part of my story, not the whole. For my entire life I have cared entirely too much about what people think. So today, if you think I am just a stress case who should keep my thoughts to myself, I give you permission to skip this blog and carry on your merry way. I am not planning to complain, but just to share where I am at right now. Which sometimes is a beautiful and happy place, and sometimes is not. Take it or leave it.

I have so enjoyed my work. All of it. I absolutely love teaching. I was forewarned (thank you KK!) that the prep work for teaching a college course would kick my butt. I hoped it wouldn't be true, but it absolutely is. I teach 9 hours a week, and between prepping lectures, developing powerpoints, forming and grading tests and papers, I have struggled to keep up. Throw in there a trip to Nashville and three sick men in my house...and you can see a me that is not taking any time to eat, sleep or even breathe. I have also so enjoyed my Wednesday nights at the residential facility I do therapy at. The good news is that come next semester all of the prep work will be done for my teaching job...so that will be a welcome relief. Around January-ish, I was scheduled to begin counseling back at the clinic I did my internship in. I was supposed to be licensed by then. I have applied and was awaiting my final piece of paperwork from Liberty. I have been working closely with them in an attempt to get that last piece sent off to the state so that I could be licensed. On Thursday, right before I went into class, I got an email from Liberty that started out with the words: "I know this isn't what you want to hear....". Basically, my state requires a class in consulting for licensure. Liberty does not offer it, nor have I taken it. So I cannot be licensed or counsel until I have taken this additional 3 credit hour graduate class. To say that I was mad is an understatement. To say that I was not discouraged would be a lie. I am so DONE with school...I have done it for 4 years and the thought of going back makes me want to vomit.

But the real humdinger is that if my life were a picture...you would see that I am balancing it all by a thread. I was finally feeling like I could make it all work, but just barely. I could keep my house, take care of my family, cherish time with my husband and children, cook, buy gifts, manage childcare, take care of myself, prep my work, carry out my work...basically I could have it all. But it was a very delicate balance. And the news I got on Thursday unraveled my thread. Effective immediately I am back in school. I had to quit my Wednesday night job and in its place I am now taking a 3 credit hour class on consulting (whatever the heck that is!). There is more...and this is where I can't share...but the combination of these two additions to my life have sent me into a tailspin. I don't know how to do it all...or be it all. I feel like I am doing nothing well. And I know from talking to many people that I am not alone in this feeling...and I take such consolation in that! Things like this do indeed cause one to dig down deep and really question, again if the choices we are making are the right ones. I feel a mess and I feel unsure and unstable...but foudationally, I am still at peace that I am where God has called me to be. I feel like I am in a dark room and I can see and feel nothing except for the step my foot is currently resting on (that would be God). Whatever modicum of control I thought I had in my life is gone. I am still responsible for the choices I make, but my manipulation of life and circumstances has been thrown in my face in an ever-loving way by my Father. He is teaching me (very tangibly) that I cannot force what I want when I want it. That I...imagine this...am not God. How profound...

So I have lost my footing and have no idea how I am going to do the next three months of life. I have to take this class now for multiple reasons...the biggest one being that when I called this particular university I happened to get the instructor of THIS class and he was gracious enough to let me enter the class now, five weeks into the semester (unheard of!). I would be an idiot to not jump on that opportunity (he has already saved me 15 hours of in-class time!). I realize that many of you are busier than I am. I am just stating that for me, and for what I envision and desire for my family and for my own personal well-being, I am stretched too thin. And yet here I am, and I have chosen this. There is no one to fault here (well, Liberty maybe)...it is just life. My choices have lead me to this place (and can I just say that I have chosen as carefully as I possibly can!). And still I know that God is whispering me something beautiful and strong and gracious. Lessons I have yet to learn, strengths I have yet to gain. Perseverance I, as yet, do not know.

But I need prayer. My family needs prayer. We need grace and strength and perseverance and peace. See, when you are a perfectionist and you don't feel like you are doing anything well, you feel pretty crappy. I am learning that I can't have everything and I can't be everything to all people. But I certainly want to make wise choices in letting go and holding close. Given the mountain I am about to climb, my humanness wonders how this is ever going to be possible. But my spirit has a sense of peace that the God who gives life will not give me more than I can handle. My job is living in obedience...and honoring my family and those I serve amidst the stress in my life. And this is where my failure lies.

So there you have it...for any of you that looked at my life and thought that I could have it all...that I had somehow stumbled upon the elusive knowledge of how to have a perfect family while managing a dream job...now you know for sure that I am right there in the trenches with you. Every day I get up and ask myself what I am doing that day that matters...whether the choices I am making will honor God and strengthen the lives of those most precious to me (my family), or whether this is all just about me, and my dreams. For now I am confident in where I stand, but believe you me...life is an ever-evolving door of opportunity and change. I struggle with my own aspirations and dreams and desires every day, constantly being sure that they are not what drives me. Self can get in the way...of everything. I do not want to drive me. Yes my dreams are important...but they are not what I live for. Ultimately, I live for Jesus Christ and that involves caring for and growing the souls of my children along with the climate of my family atmosphere. If I can do both...awesome. But again, I am being continuously reminded that my life is not my own. That I have very little control over what happens and when. So I rest in the Life-Giver's hands. And tomorrow, I will get up...and do it all over again. One day at a time.