Its Not About Me
So many times since I started blogging, I have followed tragic stories in other people's lives. I followed this blog and this blog (and many others) and sat in awe of their grounded faith and often wondered what I would look like, if I were in a similiar situation. Would I have their grace? Their faith? I even blogged about it once...about how grace is unimaginable, meaning you really have to be in a situation to understand the comfort and grace that God extends to His children. Then Amy and David happened. And it still seems surreal. My own life continues on as full and busy as ever...but in the quiet moments of the night, or as I gaze out the window at a beautiful June sunset, my mind wanders to them and how very much their lives are changed. And how much they must wish to be back home here...to watch these same sunsets and to taste the strawberries that just came into season.
I talked to Amy for over an hour the other day. The conversation was so deep, so full that I cannot possibly even convey its essence here. Many of these thoughts I am about to share, came from her...from her challenge to disarm fear and to enter into freedom. From her prayers for ME...for her challenge to pray for suffering. She said that many people forget miracles...they stand in awe for a short while and then stop praising, but suffering is different. She called it the ministry of suffering. People pay attention to that...and we do. We follow blogs of suffering believers with an almost addicted quality...we don't want to miss a thing. We stand in awe of them and God...and we listen to them. If I were to name what it is that ropes me into these tragic stories, I would have to say that it is the fear...the fear of "What if that were me?" I think we all have this fear living inside of us. When we ask ourselves what it is that keeps us from complete surrender, what is it? It is fear. Fear of losing that which we love the most.
And life...we think we are entitled to living our lives as we plan them...as we think they should go. When bad things happen...we question and sometimes even rage against God, feeling that it just isn't fair. And it isn't. But yet it is. In reality our lives are a gift...and they are not ours. Not really. We think we have control of our lives, but we don't...not really. None of us are promised more than the breath we take right now. When tragedy strikes the brevity of life shines in our eyes and it scares us. Not that we are necessarily afraid to die...but that we are afraid to let go of that which we cherish most.
Fear...is what I am getting at. It binds us..it callouses us...it rules our lives and most of the time, we are unaware...or at the very least unwilling to acknowledge or admit its existence. Let me use myself as an example here. I do not fully surrender my life to Christ becaase I am afraid of what that may look like. I am afraid that God may take one of my children from me. I am afraid that I may die and my children may grow up motherless. I am afraid that God may take my husband or my mom...neither of which I can imagine living without. Foundationally, we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him...and that His ways are higher than our own. So why do our minds automatically assume that if we open ourselves up to total surrender, tragedy will strike. How does one get to the point where we can say, "Be glorified God...in life or death!" Its not about me.
If we are ever to experience freedom...true freedom...we must disarm fear. Not by our own might...this is God's business. We cannot do this on our own...I know I certainly cannot. I want to say in truth, "Christ is all I need!" but if you looked at the condition of my heart you would see..."Christ is what I want...but I also need my children, etc" I fear losing that which I hold to the tightest.
And this life...really...it is a mirage. It is a mere glimpse of eternity. Even if we live to be 80, that is nothing in light of eternity. Maybe I won't get my heart's desire on this side of Heaven. Maybe I will never live to see my dreams fulfilled. But no matter what, this is not it. I hold so tightly to my life here...and I think it is because fear has cornered me into a nice life of complacency.
So maybe the key is not avoiding tragedy and not fearing it with every fiber of our being. Perhaps Amy is onto something with her theory on the Ministry of Suffering. Christ suffered...oh how He suffered. For us. Nearly every person in the Bible suffered. The people I respect the most are the ones who have been tried in the fire and come forth as gold (Job 23:10). Trials make us stronger...but there is more. There is a oneness with God...a narrowing of vision that I long for. When the distractions of this life are stripped away and we can truly see as God intended...our spirits are touched and moved into a love relationship...a dependency on Christ which I have yet to experience. We must come to realize that God does not cause the bad...but that He longs to join us in our suffering and to clothe us in grace. He longs to disarm our fear....and to make us free.
I am not saying that our life here is meaningless. It is not at all. It is for a purpose that we were made...and our responsibilities are very important. What I am saying is that it is not all about us. We are not entitled to anything. We do not just get what we want...just because we are alive. We don't get to plan our lives..."I want x number of children and I want to live in such and such a place with so and so until I am 85 at which time I will die in my sleep peacefully." No...life is full of surprises and gifts...all good things come from God. He is the giver of life.
What I am saying is that perhaps suffering is not what we should be running from...but rather to. Perhaps rather than taking everything we hold so tightly to, suffering is the avenue through which we find everything we have ever been looking for.
No comments:
Post a Comment