Years are made of Tomorrows
Well, two weeks have come and gone....Jon is back at work, Landon is back at school, and I am back into the swing of things as I just made it through my first week of the new semester. I have four classes this semester...two Pysch classes and then I am also teaching Self Esteem and Stress Management. Lots to learn, lots of time management, but so far...thoroughly enjoying all of it. My life feels balanced for the moment...I feel like I have a handle on what needs to be done and I don't feel the frazzled sense of chaos I had with me for the better part of last semester. I am hoping it stays this way...and I am SURE my family is hoping the same. That old saying of "If Mama ain't happy, ain't no body happy (great grammar, huh?!)" definitely rings true. As well as I tried to manage my stress, I internalized most of it which had some deleterious effects on my body, and I am quite positive those spilled over especially onto my husband and even my kids. Adjustment is tricky, but I am glad it is seasonal...as in it comes in phases. I am thankful to have made it through last semester.
Yesterday I was standing at the copy machine making copies at work when another instructor came along side of me and asked me how the semester was going. I shared with her that I had been given two additional classes and that I feel eventually I need to decide if I want to focus on counseling or teaching. I want to be purposeful in choosing a direction to focus on. I can do both, but one will be my specialty, make sense? Any way, I told her we have two children at home and they factor into this equation as well. She looked at me with a look of astonishment on her face and said, "How old are you?" I told her 28 and she said, "Wow, you are one ambitious woman to have your masters, be teaching, counseling AND have two kids." Her compliment took me aback bc I don't feel necessarily ambitious. I feel called. I feel equipped. I feel blessed. I do feel honored to be where I am, but I don't feel at all like I got here on my own. Which lead me to think about equality on my drive home. And the dozens of students and clients I see each week that are in different spots than myself...single moms, people barely scraping by. Jon and I were in a similar situation when we had Landon...no job, no insurance...nothing but a mound of debt and bag full of dreams. I remember the fear and worry and stress that accompanies the dark and lonely crevices of those circumstances. And when I trace the steps and decisions that lead us from there to here, I feel proud, but mostly I feel supported...cared for...honored. I encourage my students to be purposeful about their lives...to dream and to make a plan...but the reality is that their roadblocks are often numerous and often very thick, not easy to blast through. I face this with my clients all of the time...they present a situation...I brainstorm with them as to how they might change it...and with EVERY SINGLE solution I offer, there are a million reasons why it won't work. The truth is that so often we are faced with staying in our comfort zone or changing something...and changing something is never easy. It takes effort, sometimes it involves pain, and there is not a guarantee that on the other side the sun is shining. But if you stay where you are, there is absolutely no possibility of change. Just a life of complacency.
I am no longer stuck in the same financial situation, but emotionally and spiritually I get stuck. I know the ways in which I sin...the ways that pride rears its ugly head...the ways that I act selfishly. I know that which I would like to change...that which God is whispering for me to change. And yet when it comes down to it, more often than not, I stay in my complacency. I mask it...I put make-up over my weak spots and dance around the topics, making justifications in my head. But I know in my heart that I am not moving...and I am staying here willingly. That all it would take is to humble myself and admit my wrong, my pride and my selfishness, my bitterness and my hurt. And yet the words stay in my heart and my head. I love my jobs...I love them because they constantly push me to DO something in my life. I cannot encourage others to move...in any way, if I myself am unwilling to do so. That would make me a hypocrite...and there are few things that irk me more than someone who says that they are a follower of Jesus Christ and then live a life that shames Him. But then again, don't we all to some extent. Teh world is constantly calling Christians hypocrits bc they want us to be perfect. What they don't understand is that while we do strive to honor Christ in what we do and how we live, we are still human, and we are foundationally selfish and we are wounded and we will sin. hat is where grace comes in. Sweet, beautiful, forgiving grace.
I don't think that life is an even playing field. Some people's journey throughout this life is inherently more difficult than others. But that doesn't have to be viewed as a judgment or a death blow on their life. In fact, those that rise from the most difficult circumstances are those with the most strength, the most courage, the most tenacity. And I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us. That plan is individual and personal...and it is attained through choice...our human free will. Unfortunately, most of us get mired down in this temporary life by comfort and we get bound by fear...and lose almost all sight of the "promised land." I literally feel my human will warring against the voice of God...and the catalyst behind my stubborn will? F-E-A-R.
I know that the life I WANT is on the other side of this. I know what I have to do to get there. I know that God is just waiting to bestow the most beautiful pearls upon me, but I am holding onto my store bought pearls with a grip that is as fierce as a lion. I am acknowledging this battle because I see it in almost everyone I meet. In one way or another we all find ourselves in this spot throughout our lives. I have been here before, and if I live long enough, I will be here again. The question today is, "Will I begin to disarm fear by consciously choosing that which seems so very impossible and difficult and painful, for the hope and the promise that if I do so, things may improve?" Or will I stay in my complacency, licking my wounds, because it is oh so familiar?" It is not easy to trade that which you know for that which you don't know...but if you stay where you are and you don't like it, there is a near 0% chance of things ever getting better. We are the catalyst for change...individually, it is mine and your responsibility. What will we do with that? A very serious question considering that our todays become our tomorrows, and are quickly swallowed up by weeks and months and years.
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