The End of An Era
I am not sure what it is exactly, but the past few weeks reality has been setting in that one era of parenting has already come and gone for me. I am sure this sounds a bit odd as I am still a mother of small children, but it is true nonetheless. Perhaps the reason I am feeling this way is that when we moved into this house (that Landon calls home), he was exactly the same age as Noah is right now...one month shy of 2 years old. I remember because he could just barely scale the kitchen counter without hitting his head. And now every time Noah runs into the kitchen and has to cock his head at a certain angle to avoid hitting it (something he learned the hard way more than once)...I see Landon in my memory, doing the same thing. The first few years of parenting were so different than my life now. I was lonely...unsure...and to be honest, bored much of the time. Time seemed to crawl by, and I filled my weeks with trips to the library, the choo choo table at Barnes and Noble and grocery shopping. I spent hours of time reading to Landon and doing puzzles with him...dancing to Veggie Tales songs and playing tractors. My life largely revolved around him and I enjoyed my days, albeit I wished for more friends. I was so lonely...I could share gobs of stories with you about how I got so desperate for a friend that I threw myself out there a few times, only to come back with some hilarious stories (albeit painful at the time...one lady dropped off the earth when she saw the junker I was driving). Anyway....my life felt different back then...it was different.
I think it changed sometime around May 11, 2007. Perhaps it was a few weeks later...you know when the presence of a new baby finally took its toll. Life seemed to flip into fast forward. I really don't know if it was the addition of another child or the crazy pace at which I attacked grad school or perhaps it was even that Landon started attending school once a week. I don't know. All I know is that my little 2 year old Landon has somehow evolved into a 5 year old boy, and looking back I really don't know when or exactly how it happened. I speak openly about how I have learned that we tend to savor the past, almost romanticizing it and totally forgetting the bad, often missing the good we are experiencing today bc we are so longing for the past. Well, I do that. Sometimes I get all emotional and heart sick that the weeks where one day ran into another because they all looked the same are a thing of the past. I miss playing garbage trucks with Landon and watching Bob the Builder...because he never does that stuff anymore. And it makes me sad. It isn't that I don't love my life now. I truly do. I love being a mom of two children. I love the chaos that often ensues (ok, that is sort of a lie...but at times I love the chaos). I love the confidence that has come with experience and I love the bond between my boys. I also really love the new dynamic of work in my life. I love giving to other people and tapping into a gift that I feel God uniquely gave to me. I wouldn't change my life now...I really feel blessed beyond measure and I truly love my life. I just miss the simplicity of that era...taking care of just Landon...doing mommy things every moment of every day. And sometimes...sometimes I feel guilty because I can't (I physically cannot!) give the same to Noah. I suppose it all evens out though because Noah gets to experience relationship with a sibling and Landon didn't have that until he was 3. And besides...Noah would rather play with Landon anyday than mommy. And I love that too.
Don't get me wrong. We still go to the library nearly every week...but what I am getting at is that somewhere, somehow life and parenting changed for me. Now, I have to snatch moments and treasure them up. I have to be purposeful about it...and I don't think that is a bad thing. It is just different. So I realized that these changes have taken place and there really is no going back. Landon will never be my only child again...and he will never be a toddler again. He is going to school next year and we are starting to encounter a whole new world with him. And Noah...as much as I try to keep him my baby, well...he too is growing and changing so rapidly. I have to face it...life is changing...and will continue to do so. But that is ok because without change, there is no growth. So I savor the memories and I cherish the moments and I praise God for what I have today as well as the faces and moments I treasure in my heart of days gone by. And as I kiss that old era goodbye, I welcome another one that I know one day I will long for just the same as I am now. That is how life works...and really, it is a beautiful thing.
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