We have had doctor appointments, photo shoots, dentist appointments, HUGE decisions, birthday parties, pumpkin carvings, camping, school projects, and work all mixed into the past two weeks. Throw in there a 3 credit hour grad class and you have my life. I have tried to hold it all together, neatly tied with a bow on top. I have taken a day at a time, never allowing myself to look at the big picture because it would totally overwhelm me. But the busyness shows. I made cupcakes on Wednesday for Landon's birthday so that he could take them to school. The teacher never sent home a class list, so I assumed 22 would be a sufficient number of cupcakes, especially considering the swine flu and all. But when I met Landon for lunch that day (Happy meal in hand) he sadly told me how he didn't get a cupcake (and neither did one other girl) bc they ran out. I quickly plummeted to the bottom of the good mama list...and here I had been so proud of myself for staying up into the wee hours of the morning making the dumb things and wrapping them in awesome Spiderman paper. Oh well...the kids who did get them were excited 
Anyway, it has been a little out of control. All things considered, I feel that we have held it all together for the most part, but I find myself forgetting things I never would have missed before. And I find myself being extremely purposeful about planning special activities (pumpkin carving night complete with caramel apples, and romp-through-the-woods-in-the-dark-night complete with flashlights in hand). I don't want my kids to remember this time as mom being stressed..I want them to remember living and laughing and loving and fun. But where am I in the mix of all this. Well, I am present. But I am exhausted. And I feel like I am balancing everything so delicately that the slightest blow tips it all over...like last weekend when our computer broke (it is still broken). My huge grad assignment that was due on Wednesday was on that computer....as was my lecture material for work. So my attitude stunk...but I quickly pulled it together bc I had a tank cake to make and a 6th birthday party to plan (pictures coming..but I can't upload them until our computer is repaired!). I improvised, stayed up ridiculously late this week working, turned in my assignment a day late (a first for me...but totally out of my control), and moved on to the next thing. I am learning to ask for help (but still feeling guilty about it), but I still have a long ways to go. I realize that I try to be a perfect teacher and a perfect mother and a perfect...everything and it is just too much. So I am learning to let some of my perfectionism go too. See, this whole busyness thing doesn't have to be ALL bad.
And it will end. I have 5 more weeks of this graduate class. And I have 5 more weeks left in this semester for teaching. And my calendar is thinning wayyyy out, which will help significantly. But you know what I have failed at miserably in all of this? I have strived to do it in my own strength. I praise God for the good...like that we haven't yet caught the flu (that would definitely push me over the edge), and for people who help me, and good reports at the doctors, and a full night of sleep), but my life is so busy from the moment my alarm goes off until my body literally falls into bed at night, that I have struggled with feelings of being alone in all of this. I have learned that the modicum of control I THOUGHT I had over life, was a mirage. That the only thing I can control is my response to what happens in my life. I guess that is why I thank the Lord every day that even though I feel frazzled and am burning the candle at both ends, I am healthy and CAN do this. I do not take health for granted. When I wake up in the morning and have strength to get up and do it all over again...that is something that inspires me and pushes me to throw back the covers and tackle the day.
This whole thing with David getting brain cancer has been an ever-present part of my life since it occurred back in June. Soon after his diagnosis, I started to have signs of anxiety (I even had a few panic attacks!). I couldn't pinpoint my anxiety. I wouldn't even be thinking about him or cancer....I would just suddenly, out of the blue, feel like I couldn't breathe. It was then that I realized that what the problem was was that David getting cancer flashed a mirror in front of my face at the brevity of life. The fact that we don't have control over life and that terrible things really do happen to good people. David was invincible...the LAST person I would have ever thought to have a brain tumor. If it could happen to him...it could happen to me...or my kids...or Jonathan. Then I had that mole scare. Not a big deal in light of it all...but at the same time IN LIGHT OF IT ALL, it was terrifying. A month later, Jonathan was diagnosed with thyroid disease, with a lump on his thyroid that initially had to be biopsied. Do you see what I am getting at here...all of us are 27 and 28 years old...and it felt like the bottom was falling out.
When we were camping, my sister was with us and she had brought along her best friend and her boyfriend, Adam. Landon LOVES Adam and wanted everything to do with Adam, and nothing to do with Jonathan. So when we went on our hike, he wanted to hike with Adam, not Daddy. But there were very treacherous parts to this hike, including ledges in caverns and tall ladders, etc. Now I am certain that Adam is completely capable of keeping Landon safe, but we wanted Jonathan to take care of him on the difficult parts. Well, Landon wanted none of it. He had a downright bad attitude. After the hike Jonathan made a very poignant point. He said: "You know, what just happened with Landon and Adam illustrates very clearly how we are with God. We run to what we think is best for us, for what is appealing and cool and comfortable...forgetting that we are never safer than we are in our Father's hands." We have bad attitudes about just resting safely in the provision of His goodness. We forget that God will never disown Himself by being unfaithful to WHO HE IS. Candice reminded me of this just the other day...God cannot be anyone other than who He is...and He is GOOD. But we are like little children...throwing tantrums when we don't get what we think is best. We don't have the full picture...so David getting cancer and me and Jonathan both going through cancer scares at the same time...doesn't seem good or fair or best. But God isn't asking us to understand it...He is asking us to trust Him. I don't think He is upset by my anxiety in all of this either. I think He is asking me to trust that He is good. But blindly accepting something isn't always as gratifying or as personal as journeying to a destination. I want to OWN that He is good. And that is the journey I am on. I know my destination, but God and I are still on the journey.
So amidst the busyness of life, the anxiety comes and goes...and each day seems to bring a new challenge. Jonathan needs treatment, but a few things are standing in our way. His symptoms are increasing, and none of the options seem viable at this point. I struggle being a good wife amidst everything else...and I am most definitely breaking the cardinal rule of therapy for taking time out for myself. But amidst it all...even the intermittent questioning and anxiety and feelings of uncertainty, I KNOW that God is with us. That He is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow. And that He is good. No matter what happens in this sin filled world...I am on a journey to be able to not just say...but to believe to the core of my being, that I serve an Abba that loves me...and there is no more perfect or safer love than His.
So if you want to know where I am have been...and were I am currently am...I am on a journey, most likely one that will take me my whole life through...as long or as short as that may be.
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