In Avoidance...
I guess I should stop neglecting my blog. I still love to write. Sometimes I don't know what to write about. Sometimes I dont want to write what I feel with SO many people. But lately, most of the time, I just feel too crummy to write. I don't mean to complain. This pregnancy has still by far been my easiest, but nausea is nausea...and well, in the moments when I feel decent, I am trying to...you know, clean up the dripping food off my counter or put away the 400 toys scattered around my house from all of the times I felt crappy. So my blog was left empty for awhile, again.
I do want to document this pregnancy, but so far there isn't all that much to report. I am almost 11 weeks and just barely showing. I can still fit into my old clothes, but feel more comfy in maternity clothes. I am sick some days, and not too bad others. The sickness tends to come and go throughout the day whereas with the other two it was like a heavy blanket ALWAYS upon me. I have had strong drink aversions with this baby and have currently settled into drinking orange pineapple juice and unsweetened ice tea. Nothing else will do. But I have already cycled through a Sprite week and a Coke two week (dont ever mention those sodas to me again). Food aversions aren't too bad...just not really into ground meat of any kind or anything with a strong after taste. I have been tired A LOT lately, but often fight insomnia at night with this kiddo, so naptime has become my best friend. I felt Noah move at 11 weeks, but so far nothing with this one. I feel rather disconnected from this pregnancy so far. I dont know if it is just the speed at which time is going by or that I am spending all my time and energy (what little there is) on life (kids, house, work, etc). I wanted to cherish this pregnancy in the event that it is the last one, but I can't help but keep wishing myself a little further along. I am just so ready to be me again. I am tired of feeling exhausted and energy-less from the moment I wake up...and I am tired of having to think about and plan what to eat or drink way ahead of time. I am tired of feeling like I am barely treading water...but I know this too shall pass. And I know how bad this could be...and it is not anywhere near that bad, so really...I have nothing to complain about. I think this pregnancy has been more like what normal people experience...normal first trimester nausea. I have come to the conclusion that different pregnancies don't mean different genders, but I am still curious. Were you more sick with your son or your daughter?
Another reason for avoiding the blog: my grandpa passed away a little over a week ago. I usually like words and am good at putting what I feel and experience into words. But this time I can't find the words. I was going to give him a tribute at his funeral and for the first time ever, I couldn't. But I have exprienced a lot over the past 1.5 weeks. My brother came in from CA, and was here for the funeral. I have snapshots in my mind of our time together as a family. Hugs at the viewing. Huddles at the gravesite. Half-circles of people who love eachother and loved Grandpa. And my Grandma...I dont even know where to begin. They have been married for 65 years...she hasn't been alone since she was 17 years old. The day Grandpa died...I have never seen Gram like that before. She is kind of like the cornerstone of our family, so to see her in such grief was just absolutely agonizing. I was with her most of that day. But to see her just a few days later, walking through the viewing and funeral....a picture of grace. She has prayed and prayed and prayed and told me that the only way for her to survive would be for God to take over. And just as always, her life has been a picture of the presence of God. I guess that is what happens when you open yourself up to the power of God and realize that you are powerless in and of yourself. She still needs our prayers and encouragement...but she is more beautiful than ever. And while I thought she was so strong before...I now know that she is truly the strongest woman...a woman I long to be like in nearly every way.
And now I think I am caught up...at least on the important things. 
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