I have been planning this post for days…almost a week already. And yet each day passes and there just isn’t the time to sit and spew it all out. Or rather, by the time that I do have a few moments of quiet, I am too exhausted to even pick up the computer. So here I sit on a rainy Sunday afternoon, piecing together my thoughts from this week. This post has really evolved with the events of each day, perhaps that is why I have been putting it off. My heart is so full, I really don’t know where to start.
On Wednesday evenings I am leading a study with my girls at the group home. We are studying Dan Allendar’s book To Be Told. Last week we took a look at a chapter concerning our future; our dreams, desires, goals and how our past affect our future. Allendar states that, “We are called to see the past as given and the future as unmade and aching to be written…God has written me to be fully responsible for my story.” Here is the sentence I loved the most from this particular chapter: “God births dreams inside of us and then allows the desire to move us; it is in the pursuit of our dreams that we encounter tragedy and meet the deeper desires that only loss and heartache can reveal.” So, let me play this out for you in an example, a real life example that happened just this week. Jonathan has been tirelessly witnessing to two of his coworkers for many, many months. These two men are good friends of Jon’s, and he really wants to see them understand Truth and Grace in the form of Jesus Christ. Jonathan has built a relationship with these men, and when they do get into discussion about these issues, Jon’s heart is always so heavy when he comes home because no matter how many times he talked to them or how close (or far away) they seemed, they were never willing or even slightly desirous of making true life change. Jon’s dream was to lead these men to the Lord. But every time he would send the Word out and it would come back with nothing tangible at all, he would feel disappointed and eventually, disheartened. His dream caused him to pursue action which in turn revealed the depth of Jonathan’s heart for his friends. If you had been in our home, you would see how very much he desires for them to come to relationship. The dream prompted action, which lead to pain and questioning, which ultimately lead to greater perseverance, renewed hope and a much greater understanding of how God’s ways are not our own. Last night Jonathan and I took the boys out for pizza and ice cream (we were stir crazy and needed to get out of the house). On our way from the pizza place to the ice cream store, Jon got a call from his coworker friend who asked him if he could meet him later in the evening. Jon asked if it could wait until today since we had a family night planned (at this point he didn't know why the guy wanted to meet with him). On our way out of the ice cream store the coworker called back and told Jon he really needed to talk to him and Jon and I were also feeling an urgency in this matter. So we changed things around just a little and Jonathan went to talk to his friend. And I am so very thrilled to tell you that last night, we welcomed another brother into the family of God. Today we took Jeff along with us to church. Jon’s best friend and coworker made a decision last night that he needed and was ready to commit his life to following and loving Jesus Christ. Praise the Lord! Christianity is so much more than rules and beliefs. It is relationship and peace and joy and love and family.
Counseling has really caused me to deepen my understanding of Christianity and sin and grace and love. Every week someone sits in my office and invites me into the private places of their lives. My view of Christianity is being stretched and my desire for Truth is becoming ever more voracious. But I am saddened by the number of people that lack true Hope and Meaning and Purpose in their lives. It is very difficult to help people piece their lives together (especially marriages) without a true understanding and a desire that promotes actions that are not always pleasing to our human nature. God’s ways are always best, but often we have to do things like forgive, love in the absence of reward, respect even when disrespected, etc. These things are not easy. In the throes of relational difficulty, they are the last things you feel like doing. But ultimately they are necessary. Hearts are not easily changed and emotion is so deceitful. I myself am victim of this. I feel God calling me to humble myself, in more ways than one. Yet my stubborn pride wants to mire in the filth of bitterness and unforgiveness. This place is a mirage of comfort. I know that. It is the antithesis of peace. But it is so difficult to move .Because I did not cause the pain…I was victim of it. But there you have it my friends…I am not responsible for what happens to me. BUT I am solely responsible for what I do with it. Do I want to stay in the mire of deceit and lick my wounds with bandaids of unforgiveness or am I willing to trust God that His promise of abundant life and His example of love and forgiveness (despite mounds of rejection from us humans) is enough for me? Will I stay here in my unforgiveness where it is safe and comfortable and humanly speaking, feels good? Or will I humble myself and experience the kind of personal transformation that we all dream about as we watch it unfold in the storybooks? You see, if we want a life full or reward, we must be willing to take the risk.
James 4:6-8, 10
6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
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