Support 10-6-10

Support...what it means and what it does

I have gotten some flack for neglecting my blog. I have internal anxiety for neglecting my blog. I like to write and I really enjoy blogging, but life has seasons and this season just isn't conducive to the old days of blogging. Maybe next season? It really doesn't help that being on the computer makes me throw up. I am not kidding. So I am on here as little as possible, which means the work stacks up and up. But that is another story for another day.

I have hit a rough patch. In life that is. I am not going to candy coat it or spiritualize it. I am just saying...I am in a rough patch. Multiple things have happened and I find myself thinking things I would never ordinarily think and feeling things I don't want to ever come out of my mouth. I will get through it...not around it, but through it. But for now, I am here and I am trying to learn what I need to learn and not push myself head long through this thorny, rough patch in life. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race...I don't usually go slow and steady. But the little bit of energy I have to muster, demands slow and steady this time, and that is ok.

I appreciate openness and genuiness and I usually share more than I probably need to on here or more than you care to know, but this time the details are just too close to my heart for now. But I want to share with you how loved I have felt these past weeks. Those closest to me know bits and pieces of my heart. Some know more than I ever knew they knew...just bc they know me so well I guess. I was talking to my cousin Jess on the phone and I was telling her that I was ok (bc at that moment I felt ok) and she very pointedly said to me, "Kristen, you are not ok. Don't say you are ok to me bc I know you aren't ok." Her saying that gave me the persmission I guess I needed to be real with myself and her. She let me know that it was ok not to be ok. Friday night I went out with two of my bff's from high school. We do this every now and again and always have a great time. I had NO intention of talking about my heart on this night. But they eased in on me...by coming with a card that had the most perfect words in it...and they didn't even know the fullness of my heart. But they knew me well enough without my having to share. I cried...hard...that night. In a restaurant...yeah it was super great. But soon after I cried the ugly tears, they had me laughing so hard that I was crying tears of joy. And other, further removed friends and family members of mine have sent me emails or fb messages just saying that I was on their mind or their heart or protecting me in their own ways. Some don't have any idea what is going on. But they know me well enough to love me where I am, without ever even asking for details or explanations or answers. Becuase I don't have any answers right now. 

On Saturday we went to a Breast Cancer Fundraiser for a woman in our community. Her and her husband are in their mid-thrties and have three young children. Lots of people came out to support them, and as I looked around at the people, I thought what it must feel like to have so many strangers come to an event just to support you. To love you. To help you. I have to be honest. I don't like asking for help and I much prefer to be the strong one than the one who is struggling. I am not comfortable in this spot. I have been here before, although a little different and usually I seek isolation. I don't like people to see my weakness...bc in most areas of my life people expect me to be strong. I like being strong. But I am realizing, and especially Saturday as I looked around at all of those strangers coming together to support one woman, that in our weakness, we can be made strong. We are promised that in the Bible. While I can't say that I have been feeling God's close presence in this rough spot, I can say that I have felt strengthened by the friends that He has blessed me with. Friends who have known me for my entire life. Friends who know me without words. My neighbor and wonderful friend has made us dinners numerous nights. She has taken my kids when I have been too sick to care for them. She has done crazy helpful chores in my house when I am gone just to help with a tangible area of my life, so that I can deal with the intangible. They have acted as family in so many ways...more ways than I could ever recount for you..and so much of me feels so unworthy of their kindness. These people have taught us and illustrated for us what God's love is all about. I don't have much to give these days. I will one day, but for now...I just don't. But they love me anyway. Isn't that what unconditional love is? How many people are blessed enough to get to experience that from family, let alone friends and neighbors? I feel so blessed and cared for and loved. And while my natural inclinatin is still to hide and to be isolated in my ugly roughness. They are pulling me out...letting me know that even in all of my ugliness, I am still accepted and loved. When I came home Friday night, I came in the door and my eyes welled up with tears as I met Jon in the stairway and told him about my night. I just kept saying...I have such wonderful friends. And I do. And I am so thankful for each of you. Whether you know where I am or not. I am just so thankful for the support and love of friends. True friends...which are so hard to come by.

I am not comfortable on the receiving end. But through this I am learning that perhaps I am not comfortable here bc I don't feel worthy. I only feel worthy or ok if I am the one giving. I think giving is way more gratifying than getting. But through this experience these dear people are teaching me a foundational lesson that I dont think I have yet learned in my 29 years of living. I am acceptable...not only when I am strong and productive and helpful and wise and good. But even in my ugliness. Even with my rough edges and unbelief. This is a pretty basic concept...one that I try to teach others. But experience is by far the best educator.

I don't want to stay here long. That is why I say I am ok, and go through each day with the necessary vigor. But if you strip it away, underneath, at least for now, I am not ok. And I am so thankful that these dear people are teaching me how to support and love, expecting nothing ever in return. I can't wait to pour what they have given me onto them and you and anyone else I should ever have a chance to.

I hope to be back on here with some light hearted stories of my beautiful kiddos or some tid bits of strength really soon  But until then, thank you for loving me and accepting me where I am. Wherever that may be.