My Joy Boy Turns Three 5-11-10

My Joy Boy Turns Three

Lets be honest. Because I always try to be honest, but the truth is that some things just aren't talked about (and it should probably remain that way on some topics) for numerous reasons...too personal, too close to one's heart, too controversial, too...the list could go on and on. Well, there was something I never told you guys about Noah. See, about 3 years and nine months ago when I got pregnant with him...I realllllyyyy wanted him to be a girl. There...I said it. In fact, I was nearly certain that he was. I had prayed for a daughter and I felt like God was going to grant us one. And since Jon has all sisters, I figured we were due anyway. So for the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy I had visions of my daughter swirling through my head. I didn't allow myself to buy anything for her, aside from a gift idea that I bought to tell my grandma about her new great-granddaughter, but as soon as I got the confirmation from the ultrasound...I had a million and one ideas in my mind. Except I never got that confirmation...bc as much as my gut instinct told me that I was carrying a daughter, I was in fact, carrying our second son...our Noah. Since I am being so honest, I will admit that I shed a few tears. Here is the controversial part. I know how much people want children, neither sex being preferred...they just want healthy children. I know that I should have been over the moon just to have a healthy baby (and I was!!!). But if you want honesty than I have to admit that I was shocked and confused and...dare I say it, disappointed! WOW. That sounds so awful. Heap guilty upon the sad feeling and there I was. Part of the problem was that I had built it up in my mind. I was so sure he was a girl..it was like when she said it is a boy...I lost this imaginary relationship with an imaginary daughter that I have no guarantee of ever meeting. I will leave it there, since you are all probably totally horrified by my admission  And..well...some things are just too close to my heart to really expound upon any further.

The reason I tell you this today is simple. I thought I knew what I needed. I thought I knew what this family needed. And I thought that was a daughter for Jonathan and I and a little sister for Landon. But I was wrong. That was what I wanted, but not what we needed. We needed Noah. Jonathan and I have encountered some serious life stuff in the past few months and have really been questioning how deeply God is involved in the details. You know...is everything programmed, how does free will fit in, that stuff. When it comes down to it, and especially when dealing with the creation of life, I have to say that God is into the details. That not just some random egg and sperm unite to make some random child. I believe God chooses the right egg and the right sperm to make THE child, not A child...THE child. The ins and outs of all of that can be debated, but here I stand. Firmly...because I have experienced this first hand...and for as much as I wanted a daughter three years ago, I didn't need one. At least not then. We needed Noah.

Yesterday I was out and about with the boys and some random stranger man was watching Noah and said to me, "That boy loves life doesn't he?" People often say this about Noah, and it is true. After a short while of being sad over losing the idea of a daughter, God whispered to my soul that Noah would bring this family joy...abundant joy. I started calling him my Joy Boy even in my womb. God has fulfilled that promise in our son. Landon desperately needed Noah...a brother, and a laid-back-love-life kind of brother. Someone he can joke with and play with and learn to laugh with. And if he has brought this much joy in only three years of life, I can only imagine what is in store! My mom and I were talking this past weekend about any other children Jonathan and I might have one day, and we got on this topic of what happened with Noah (bc my mama is one of the few that know my heart regarding this whole daughter thing). And I said..."We needed Noah"  to which she replied..."We all needed Noah." I can't even begin to think about the emotions underlying those words or the experiences without tears streaming down my face. Not sad tears. Tears of thanksgiving. Tears of surrender. Tears of gratitude that we serve a God who knows what we need and loves us enough to bless us, even in our unbelief and disillusionment.

And I can attest to the fact that Noah is everything I never knew I was missing. So today, on his third birthday I just want to thank God for the beautiful joy that He has brought to us in the form of our red-headed, life-loving little Joy Boy, Noah Grant.