I Wasn't Gonna Share...

I Wasn't Going To Share...

Call it a pride problem or call it not wanting to come across as a downer, complainer, etc...but I really wasn't going to share. But then today I got a random comment from a xanga friend who said she was praying for me, and then I read another xanga friend's blog about recognizing your blessings, and I decided that instead of always trying to just share the good, maybe today I would share the real...

When I was pregnant with Landon I failed my screening for the gestational diabetes test that they give you. I attributed it to taking it in the afternoon after eating a lunch that included yogurt. So this time I was careful to schedule the test first thing in the morning, so that I could pass it and avoid the three hour test. But alas, I failed again. I was kind of shocked and kind of experiencing deja vu at the same time. Last pregnancy I cried...this time, I just got mad. With Landon, I passed the three hour test, so I didn't end up having the gestational diabetes...who knows what that means for this time. Ok, here is the real part. My attitude yesterday (and still a little today although thanks to the aforementioned friends it is getting better) was terrible. I threw a huge pity party for myself...only to myself...I didn't let it show, but I surely felt it. I just felt like, "Why?" Why can I just not have something go easy with pregnancy? Gestational diabetes would not be a problem if I didn't still face the nausea issue...but I do. There are select things that sound good to me, and if I have to change my diet, who knows what that will do to my already precariously balanced nausea issues. On top of that...the three hour test is not easy for a nauseous woman. I have to be there at 7 in the morning, draw blood, drink double the amount of that orange stuff, have my blood drawn three more times at one hour intervals...meaning I sit in the lab from 7 to 10:30 not eating anything other than that drink...and having fasted for 12 hours. If I throw up at any point, the test has to be repeated at a later date. Plus the inconvenience of figuring out what to do with Landon during that time. So there...I got all of the gory details out of the way. No big deal if I felt like a normal person. But I don't.

I have no risk factors...I am white, 25, not over weight, didn't have a previously large baby...etc. But clearly I have some issue processing sugar during pregnancy...even if I don't have full blown gestational diabetes. I suppose the reason it bothers me the most, and this is so stupid...is that I have one more intensive in two and a half weeks. That trip to Virginia and being in class all day, takes so much out of me. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how I will do it if I have to factor in a special diet. I don't eat that much sugar...I just don't crave chocolate or ice cream or cake during pregnancy ( I do when I am NOT pregnant). So if I do have diabetes, it will mean cutting out such things as all bread, juice (which I definitely drink first thing when I get up), corn, applesauce (which I do crave often)...things that may not seem like a big deal but when they are all you can eat that make you feel not sick, it suddenly becomes an issue.

Ok, so back to reality. If I have it...I only have 10 weeks to deal with it. The baby will be out then...no more nausea, no more diet, no more lethargy. Somehow I will figure the diet thing out, and it will be more manageable than I am currently imagining. Liberty will come and go, and I will figure it out. And ultimately, this is a small issue...something I can control with diet. What if it were preeclampsia or some other huge issue that really affected the health of my baby? Then I would have something to complain about. I realize I am being selfish and petty. I am desperately trying to choose to focus on the positives and to stop being such a baby, but for some reason that choice is extremely difficult for me right now. So if you want to pray for me...please pray I make it through the test without throwing up (yet to be scheduled, but probably next week sometime), that I DON'T have gestational diabetes, and that I can get over the emotional slump I have found myself in these past few weeks and start making good choices that put others before myself. I don't want to feel this way...I don't want to be this down and out person. I want to be positive and upbeat, a joy and a blessing.

I had a dream last night (one of those nights where you hardly sleep for some reason) that I had the baby. For whatever reason, I didn't get to see him for like three days. My mom kept telling me how ugly he was and that I should just leave him at the hospital (the most uncharacteristic thing I could ever think up for my mom). When I saw him, he was tiny...but he was so beautiful. He had piercing blue eyes and beautiful skin, and his hair was a beautiful shade of reddish blonde. He was just gorgeous and I loved him with a fierce love. That is what this is all about...cherishing the health of my child (ren) and the many many blessings that I HAVE been given. So what if I don't have easy pregnancies...I have children. That is one thing that many women would give anything for...so who am I to complain? I have SO much.