Sampling of Thoughts 4-12-07

A Sampling of My Thoughts I feel like I have so much on my mind and yet am unsure of how to get it all out, or even where to begin. I suppose I will start with a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear husband. We are four days apart, spent both of our 4th birthdays in Florida, and were meant 4 each other. Corny...yeah, I couldn't think of any more 4 similarities  Anyway, we are going to go out to BW3's tonight (in honor of him of course) and then to the mall in search of shoes for both of us...our present to each other. Now if only we could do this just the two of us...  EDIT: My dear little sister is coming over at 4:30...we have a night ALONE!!!!!!!!!! We will come home around 8 so Landon can be part of daddy's birthday too...but to be honest, I cannot remember the last time we had a dinner out just the two of us!!!! THANKS BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I went down to my mom's yesterday to see my grandma. I have been missing her so much and felt this overwhelming urge to make a point to go see her. The weather was HORRIBLE. I had no real idea of how bad it was until about 10 minutes into my trip I felt that feeling where you know that you are absolutely not in control of your car and there is nothing you can do about it. The snow was pulling me right...into the semi on my right. I could do nothing but pray and grip the steering wheel knowing if I turned it at all the situation would only get worse. God spared us...we did not get in an accident. But I never passed another car the rest of the trip. I just kept thinking about my three year old in the back jabbering away and the baby about to be born and why in the world I had allowed myself to get into that situation. I hate to be out of control...and I hated the feeling that I was about to cause severe bodily harm to myself, my little boy and my baby. I am not sure I have ever felt that out of control of a car before...and I never want to feel it again. So...I did make it to lunch with my grandma. She was so sweet...she made me tomato soup and bits (pieces of fried bread) as well as egg salad sandwiches. After lunch we had a cup of tea and a cherry turnover (she is British and we covet our traditions  ). It was so great to spend time with her and once again partake of the foods she used to make me as a child. They still taste the same. As fast as time goes and as much as age changes her, the smell of her house and the taste of her cooking and the camaraderie we share over tea will always be the same as it was when I was 3, 4, 5 years old. What will I ever do without her? I stayed at my mom's later than I anticipated bc Landon went down for a super late nap. By the time I got home I was feeling quite sick. In fact I laid on the couch with an ice pack around my head (a nice headache to contribute the pleasant nausea) and my eyes closed willing the nausea away. I won...last night at least. I got an email today from babycenter that my baby is developed...from now on he is just putting on weight. So we are having a conversation...I wish so badly there was something I could do to coerce him out  I saw a Dr. Phil show today on hyperemesis...severe nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. I don't know if I had it with Landon or this one or not. If I did, it was on the more mild side. I lost 20 pounds with Landon by 20 weeks and this time would have been the same had I not started on meds at 7 weeks. I know women who have been hospitalized and had ports and pick lines with IV fluids and meds for their entire pregnancies. The women on this show and the doctors involved were saying how this disease can push you over the edge and make you think things and say things and act in ways you would not normally. It was so validating to hear how debilitating this is. When I was pregnant with Landon (more so than with this one) I felt like people thought I was making it up, that I was weak or wanted attention, or was exaggerating. Only Jonathan knew the full extent of what I went through, watching me day after day throw up, be unable to eat, cry and not want to wake up the next morning to feel the same feelings again. When you have children, the toll pregnancy takes is even greater. This time around we had a three year old to feed and care for...and next time we will have two. I don't know how many more times I can do this, but I keep telling myself that nine months of this is worth the lifetime of the blessing that children are. But man will I have to think long and hard before we do this whole pregnancy thing again... Anyway, it was validating to hear how much this disease affects some women and it was also heartbreaking...watching those poor women go through it made my heart break. I think I should form a community support for all women facing this problem so that they can get the help they need...meals, cleaning, child care. I know that those things would have made all of the difference in the world for me...and I would be honored to help another woman and family, in any way that I could, make it through the horror that is hyperemesis, or even just all day pregnancy sickness. Thank the Lord it does end...it may last three months or five, or even nine...but it does end. In the thick of it, you feel like it never will (I keep telling Jonathan that I can't imagine that I am going to feel normal again in just a few weeks!), but it does. And when it ends, you are handed a tiny squirming, beautiful baby that is yours. Your prize for enduring, persevering, and it could never be sweeter. I am almost there... Yesterday in the car Landon kept talking to God. He would say, "God....those trees are knocked down, could you please fix them." At first, I thought he was just saying "God" and it took me aback. I wondered where in the world he would have picked up something like that. Then I listened closer to what he was saying. He was just jabbering away back there having conversation with the Lord. Talking to Him about the cows and tractors we passed and the storm damage he saw. It was a lesson for me. How often do I just converse with God. It really was as though Landon was having a talk with his Dad. I want to teach him the respect that God deserves, but I also want to keep the innocence and openness intact. God desires relationship...and I got to witness relationship happening in the backseat of my car yesterday. Precious. P.S. Please excuse how AWFUL I look in the picture. It was taken about 1.8 minutes after Landon came out. I love it though bc it caught the essence of the moment. Oh how I long to meet and experience that moment again with this one...