Something Other Than Myself

Something Other than Myself...

I realized yesterday, through my miserable mood, that I was avoiding people. I no longer want to answer my phone (which rings off the hook) bc I don't want to hear, "Are you in labor yet" one more time and I don't call people back bc the first thing they say is, "Are you in labor?" I am sick of talking about it, and sick of thinking about it and sick of waiting for it. I admit this not becuase I want those of you who call me to stop...I don't. It means the world to me that you care and are interested in my life and in our family. I don't know what I would do without you!!! I realize I have not made my due date yet, but let me just explain why I was wanting the baby so badly this week or last 1) The doctor got my hopes up 2) This baby has been dropped for 8 weeks ='s very uncomfortable 3) I am beyond over feeling sick every evening...last night found me in bed with a lot of nausea....again 4) My mom and sister (my only two helpers) are very, very busy next week making me wonder what in the world I will do with my three year old 5) Landon came at 38 weeks to the day, I had a HORRIBLE labor that almost ended in a c-section. I am petrified of c-sections for some reason and I am scared that if this baby is any bigger I won't be able to get him out. I know second labors are supposed to be easier, but I can't help but have that nagging fear in the back of my mind. 6) having preterm labor made me think early baby, now I can't get him out. Given all of this, the wait has been in sane and as I come closer to that 38 week (tomorrow in fact) mark, my anxiety seems to continuously rise.

I give you these reasons not to justify my feelings, but more as an explanation. Given that, in discussing something other than myself and this baby with my husband last night I came to realize just how consumed I have become with this whole issue and how my focus needs to shift from myself. This is not healthy. In fact, it is ridiculous. I get it that waiting for the impending birth of your baby is a time of anticipation, a little anxiety, anticipation, etc...but it doesn't need to consume every waking thought. Maybe this post is mostly a self-pep talk to ME.

Too many people close to me are having serious trouble conceiving ANY children and here I am about to deliver my second baby...getting in a bad mood bc I may end up with a c-section...but in the end, I have two beautiful children. We just heard about friends of ours who are a tad YOUNGER than us...she was just diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. A healthy, normal woman just like myself who just got married a little less than two years ago, now facing a life-altering, perhaps life-ending disease. Doesn't seem fair...Her husband is a youth pastor and instead of looking towards starting a family, they are discussing chemo and radiation and serious life and death issues. And I am spending a day worrying about not having this baby yet...what in the world. There is something VERY wrong with that.

I am not trying to pound myself into the ground...simply trying to give myself a little more perspective outside of my own little world. It is so easy to get consumed with the happenings in ones own life that we fail to really see that life does not revolve around us. Or at least I struggle with this. I get down about such stupid things...such petty things...but ultimately every morning I get up and greet two beautiful children (almost) in a house and neighborhood I could only dream of and open my back door to let the sunshine in and I get to hear the sound of the birds chirping and given something unforeseen...I have an easy, beautiful life with absolutely NOTHING that should cause me to to be so self-consumed. The Lord has chosen for whatever reason to bless me beyond belief, and I know that I have nothing to complain about. Someday maybe I will have something, such as the couples above, that will rightly consume my mind and life...but for right now, I know my heart and attitude are in the wrong place and rather than sitting outside and moping about not being in the hospital birthing this baby, I should be on my knees PRAISING God for the blessings pouring out of every crevice of my life.