Crazzzy 6-25-08

I have been so busy lately. I really feel like I am coasting through each day, snatching any moments that I can to do meaningless research for meaningless papers or to cram random information into my brain for meaningless exams. I yearn to be outside with my babies. I have tried my very best to soak up the June sun, ride bikes with Landon and chase Noah around the front yard as he randomly throws chalk out of his bucket. But I want more time.

My family has been in bed for awhile now. I sat down as I have the past few weeks to squeak out another hour for grad school. But I was distracted tonight, or rather, I was looking for something other than what I had to do. I went back to a blog (in this and the following links, the stories are in the archives...it is worth the time...read them!)that I have gone to many times now. The story of one woman's grief in losing her baby girl. Her pain is so raw and real. She describes sitting upstairs and scrubbing her bathroom floor over and over while the rest of her family and friends gathered downstairs after the funeral. She describes breaking a clay pot only to rebuild it later as a reminder of how God builds us. This blog, a link from Angie's site is the story of a family that went out for pancakes after church. While the family was enjoying a carefree meal inside, some random woman decided she wanted to commit suicide so she drove her car into the restaurant, killing two and injuring nine. Jody's family was forever shattered. Teagan (her four year old) was killed instantly and Wyndham (6 months old) suffered brain damage. How does one go from a carefree pancake dinner to the loss of a child and the dreams for the other? How does one walk back into a home that once occupied an active 4 year old? The silence would be so deafening and the memories would be crammed into every corner if the house. Finally, this link...this woman delivered her second child and new that her time with Copeland would be limited. Copeland had Trisomy 18. She lived a little over a week, but every hour of every day was an exercise in saying goodbye. I stand in awe of these women's grief. I imagine myself in their situation. Just the other day someone reminded me that there is no imagination in grace. In other words, when I hear situations like this, I always proclaim that I cannot imagine...I cannot imagine the pain, the emptiness, the grief. I cannot fathom how I would come through such an ordeal. Grace has no imagination. I say this somewhat uncertainly, but thank God, I have not experienced Him in that way. That sounds so awful ...but I cannot imagine the grace that God provides these women becuase I have never experienced it. But still I stand in awe. These women are rebuilding. Angie is smiling again, Booth is pregnant again, Jody has a large family and Wyndham is part of it! But more than all of that...these women are praising God. Truly standing firm and strong against the greatest adversity I can fathom.

When I watched the video of little Copeland (september/october 2007), I couldn't help but weep. I could smell my babies' sweet smell and I could feel that tiny body in my arms. How did she learn to let it go? She had the blessing of experiencing that baby for a week...but her arms...the emptiness had to be so great.

This is all so sad...and yet, these women's stories leave you not with depression and doubt, but with hope and awe. Awe at the grace that God obviously supplies and hope in the process of rebuilding when it seems that life could be no darker.

Noah ran into my open arms tonight. All the way across the yard...into my arms. He had the biggest smile on his face and his eyes danced with joy. And tonight he was tired...and he just kept saying my name, over and over. Mama...so tender, not whiny....tender and loving. Who knew four letters could sound precious?

Landon wanted an extra kiss tonight when he went to bed. And an extra hug. And he told me that even when he is seven he will still be my hero and take care of me. Seriously...

I am blessed ladies. But my saying that doesn't hold a candle to these women when they say that. They know grief, they feel loss, they experience joy. They are blessed. I want their strength, tenacity, grace, peace, faith...but I fear their loss with every fiber of my being. In fact, in more ways than I care to admit...this fear defines my faith. Moving from this place seems unbearable. The potential price too high, and yet the mediocrity in itself can steal so much...does steal so much...is stealing so much.

Where is my abandon? My faith? I don't want to live my life in fear of things that may never happen. I want to feel and experience and know. Everything is God's. All that I have, that I love so much...it is all from Him. I know this, but I do not live it. I live as though I have the ability to keep bad things from happening. As though if I try hard enough I can protect those that I love. But I can't. I need to start living this out. Not for fear of punishment, but for the sake of all that we are missing out on because of my fear that keeps me mired in mediocrity.

I am not promising a new leaf come tomorrow. But I pray, pray that God will allow these lies and fears to shatter around me in a heap, swept up with the broom of Grace, never to be rebuilt again.