Jonathan did not disappoint last night. He came home from work early, started the oven and told me some mystery guests were coming to join us for dinner. Around 6:30 my sister-in-law and brother-in-law showed up on my doorstep. We enjoyed filet (grilled with grilled tomatoes) and the best sweet potatoes I have ever had...so good! Then we had Jonathan's chocolate cake that he had made, which was absolutely delicious. It was a fun-filled evening and a great birthday. Thanks, Honey!
But I could not sleep last night. We got a bad storm around 12:30 and I thought for sure it would wake one or both children, but it didn't. I finally fell back asleep only to have a terrible, terrible dream. I don't usually have vivid dreams, or ones that I can remember, but this one was very disturbing. I dreamed that we were driving down the highway in our car, except it had three rows. Jonathan was driving, Landon was in the middle row and I was in the third row next to Noah. There was a semi on our right and one in front of us. We were nearing an overpass, just driving, talking, doing nothing, like usual. All of a sudden, I realized something terrible was about to happen. It was a feeling...right before it actually happened. The semi on our right started to tip towards our car, the semi in front of us slammed on his brakes. Jonathan slammed our brakes and swerved and I thought we were going to be ok, and then I realized the huge dirt pile to the left of the overpass was going to fall on us, and the semi on the right was also going to fall on us. I waited for impact. It was all in slow motion, and yet there was no time to say anything, except for Jonathan. He screamed my name almost as if to say, "I am so sorry, I tried so hard to protect you guys, but I can't prevent this!" The next thing I remember was feeling buried and unable to move at all. And the silence. My car was silent. I desperately wanted to get to my children, but I could not move...and no one was crying. Someone should have been crying. Two someones, and another someone should have been talking, callign my name...something. It was silent.
I woke up with an unshakeable sense of unneasiness. It was just awful. Through the course of the dream I kept thinking how unexpectedly life can change. Something so precious can be taken away so quickly. Life can be changed in the blink of an eye, when we are least expecting it. I know these things, but I pray I never have to experience something as awful as that dream last night to learn these lessons on a deeper level.
Yesterday and today Noah has been so fussy. I don't know if it is a tooth or if he is just entering a phase, but I feel shot. I feel like I am constantly chasing him around from room to room, trying to teach him what he can and cannot have, pulling him and Landon apart, soothing him from his 1 millionth owie, and listening to him scream his anger at me. I really feel like I could use a few hours away...or a few days to recharge. And yet, that dream keeps replaying in my mind. We are not to live in fear. I know that. I just can't seem to shake the awful feeling that I had in the silence of that car.
I have a list a mile long today. We'll see how much I get through with this fussy bear of mine.
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