A few of you were wondering what all the buzz was about in the comment section of my last post. Many of you have no idea what I am talking about (bc I deleted the comments before too many of you saw what was going on). I won’t keep you in suspense any longer……
I am NOT pregnant 
So, we had a slight scare…I am normally right on to the day, and this month…for whatever reason…I was late by five whole days. By the second, we were quite sure something did not work this month, but I wasn’t willing to test because I wasn’t ready to see a positive sign. That sounds so insane to some of you, I know that. We want more children (most definitely!), but not yet. When I type that it sounds selfish…and when I honestly say that these next nine months are all about me finishing grad school, it sounds even worse. But that was my thinking…I am so close to the end…I have my internship all set up and ready to go (and it is a great opportunity!). This would most likely be our last child and I really want to be able to enjoy the process and savor the moments…I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that if I were pregnant now. I would either have to drop my internship (because I am rather sick for my nine months of pregnancy) or push through it, throw up on my clients, and try to fit a baby into the mix. I have always said that we have to wait to get pregnant until our youngest is rather independent (because I am so sick for so long). So the thought of having 1.5 weeks left until the couch becomes my best friend and the toilet my constant companion, was very, very overwhelming.
But I didn’t’ have to test because nature told me that I was not pregnant. I have to admit that I sighed a big sigh of relief…and Jonathan, well…he did a dance around the house. It is funny though…how things like this vary so vastly from one family to another. Landon was our surprise baby. Six short months into our marriage, with no insurance…we were met with the beginning of Landon’s life. So we know it can happen. When we tried to get pregnant with Noah, we assumed it would happen immediately. By the third month I was totally shocked that I was not pregnant. Thankfully, the fourth month was the charm. That time, we did a dance for joy around the house.
I have to say that I am thankful that I am not pregnant. I am just not feeling ready at this time. But…I say that with so much more knowledge of the reality of infertility. People very, very, very dear to me have suffered through it. After a year…or more of trying, they have each received their joy in having children. But one remains; someone so very dear to me, who has been trying since before we tried for Noah. They are still waiting and hoping and dreaming. When I think of them, it doesn’t seem fair at all that something would be so easy for me and so very difficult for them. It doesn’t seem right at all that I would be happy to not be pregnant…when they have tried so very hard to BE pregnant. I think I have learned over the years that the process of pregnancy is not something to be blithe about…not something to flippantly throw around. It is a blessing…a true gift that God graciously gives in His timing, not ours. With Landon, clearly God’s timing was different than our own…and the same is true for my dear friend. Their desire and timing has varied from that of the Lord’s. In the end, I can look back and see why God gave us Landon when he did and I can praise His name from the roof tops for my son. And I know too, that in the end, my friend will feel the same. I really believe that it will become clear…why and what purpose this trial has brought with it. I have come to realize that pregnancy is not about getting a child, but THE child. I believe that one day, one way or another, Jess will understand the last years of trial when she lifts that child upward in praise to God.
So there...no more suspense for those of you who did happen to see the comments going back and forth in my last post. I will share more about our beautiful weekend maybe tomorrow...today I am off to meet a a few mamas and their kiddos for a picnic at the park. 
EDIT: The same dear friend who I blogged about got some disturbing news last week about her health (not pregnancy related) and found out this morning that all is well. I just want to praise the Lord. She is 27 and when you are that age, you just don't think about things like cancer or disease. You think about living and building a life and a family. Then for a week all of that stops and you think only of living. When I was 12 and again when I was 14 they found a problem with my heart. I had to go through invasive testing and my dumb pediatrician really made it sound like I had a serious heart problem involving a valve. To a 14 year old, it was petrifying. I thought I was going to die. Literally. About a month later after a few visits with the cardiologist and more testing, everything came back in the clear. I still have an unexplained heart murmer that doctors raise an eyebrow to when they hear it...but as far as can be seen...there are no major problems. I literally felt like I got my life back. I could fly. I could enjoy life. I could live. I know my friend is feeling all of this today...and in a small way, I am reliving it too. Feelings of gratitude for health and energy and the chance to dream. Life is nothing to be taken for granted. Nothing at all. We have the hope of heaven and we all look forward to that day. But in this life...being handed your life back to you with no concerns is quite literally, the most freeing experience ever. Praising the Lord today...adn rejoicing in the ability to breathe and live and...dream.
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