Freedom...
So I am out from the stress of school. I have been waiting for this for eight long weeks. The weird thing is...I can't let down. I still feel as tightly wound or as spread thin as a piece of plastic about to rip. What gives? I am short with those I love, and am constantly fighting a negative attitude. I still feel like I have so much to do, and yet...I should be feeling as free as a bird. I do love that I can xanga at nap time with no guilt or feelings of, " I should be reading right now." But I want to feel the freedom that I felt in college after the exams were done. You know...the I can fly feeling.
I have had so many thoughts rushing through my head lately. I wanted more kids. I really did...but this two kid thing has me run ragged. The boys are good kids...but parenting is just such hard work. Maybe that is why I can't let down. In college I got to go home for three weeks...someone else cooked and did my laundry. All I had to do was sleep and read pleasure books and visit with friends. Now I long for 20 minutes to take a hot bath without being interrupted or questioned or needed. Mothering just never ends...it is an all day, all night job. This has me thinking that perhaps, just maybe...two is all I should have. Maybe it is all that I can be my best for. Or maybe this is all stemming from too much on my plate with school. Maybe I shouldn't even be thinking these things until I am done with school and this chapter of life is behind me. I have four classes left. Four. I can do that. I looked up the classes the other day...three of the four are rated as a 9 out of 10 for intensity and difficulty. My heart fell to the floor. How am I ever going to do this?
On the flip side of all of this...one year ago today we saw our first glimpse of Noah Grant. One year ago we found out that our family would have two boys in it...and that the one growing inside of me had my head shape and what looked to be an ever-present smile. Both were true. He does and he is. On that day, I was so relieved to know that my baby was healthy, but I was also a tad shocked that he was a boy. I though for sure he was a girl. I had no idea on December 18th, 2006 how much I needed my Noah. But God did...and I am so thankful that He hand picked and knit together my little guy.
I don't do well with pregnancy. I don't know how my family will ever go through it again...with the two kids we already have I just cannot fathom it. I am just so sick and incapacitated. Landon already has said that he wants another baby but that he doesn't want me to get pregnant bc then I can't say prayers. For a good three months of my pregnancy with Noah I was too sick in the evenings to even speak without throwing up...so I never got to read Landon his story or say prayers. He remembers this...and it makes me sad. Beyond myself...how will my family survive another pregnancy? Beyond that...what if this is all just too much for me. But...what if I really do want more children someday. I wrestle with the selflessness that is demanded in parenting. I love to pour myself out for my children. I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is losing myself in the process. Balance.
My children bring me more joy than I could ever express in words. I am constantly amazed by how they are unfolding. Just today Landon decided that he needed to fix the pipes in the bathroom, and that he needed to draw them to make plans for his repair job. Where did this big kid come from? This morning he picked up the letter "F" and said, "Mom...this says fffffffff" and then picked up an "s" and said "This says sssssssss." What in the world...I feel like I was just in awe that he could sing the ABC song...now he is learning phonics? I can't believe the language milestones he is hitting and his new found ability to reason. Parenting with Landon is taking on a new dimension. I very much feel like I am leaving behind the difficulties involved in parenting a toddler and am entering a new domain with new challenges, but with the added bonus of being able to reason with him and have logical discussions that can lead to understanding for us both. I love it! I feel like he is so much easier to parent now than he was even a year ago.
And Noah...he is crawling and standing and just this week started making syllable noises. He sure seems to know what he is saying and it is pretty cute. On top of that, he has learned what the word "No" means and is actually responding pretty well to it. Sometimes when I tell him no he growls or laughs at me...but usually he doesn't touch whatever it is that I am instructing him not to. I love to stand back and watch him look at the object, look at me, look at the object and then turn away. At seven months of age...children can already make decisions to honor their parents. Talk about amazing.
So...I guess that is all for now. I know that each stage of parenting has its ups and downs and for the most part I am pretty sure that what I am feeling is stemming from school and too much on my plate. I wish I could do something about it, but there is nothing else to take out of my life. I have to persevere. And probably...when I am done with school and the time is right...I will want that missing child. I don't think we are complete quite yet...as easy as that would be to be done...there is still someone missing. I am pretty sure of that.
How is that for an introspective post. Good grief 
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