Yesterday 2-08

I Typed This Yesterday

I wrote this last night amidst a...I need to leave rightthissecond or I will lose my mind...escape to Panera for an hour. I will just post it, because I have nothing else.

What to say? I knew my time would come…and it seems that these things tend to happen near the end of my classes (AKA…times of high stress). I took Landon off of his allergy med two weeks ago because I really didn’t think he needed it. About 4 days later he started coughing whenever he was lying down. I figured it would go away. By Wednesday he was coughing so much that no one was sleeping. I put him back on the medication. Everything has gotten consistently worse and the coughing is consuming all of nap time (actually, he isn’t getting a nap anymore) and most of the night. I am exhausted…Noah is exhausted and Landon is a walking zombie. I took him to the doctor today (after he threw up from coughing last night…again) and she thinks he somehow got a sinus infection out of all of this. I desperately hope she is right, but at this point, I am somewhat skeptical. He has absolutely no other symptoms of anything aside from coughing. No runny nose, congestion, sneezing, fever. Nothing. She did say his nasal passages are just about swollen shut…but still. When he was a year old he coughed every time he laid down for about two months. He underwent just about every test/remedy out there. The doctor finally thought it was cough variant asthma. I didn’t agree. It eventually went away…and never came back to that extent. When he gets a cold, this coughing thing is still a problem and he pukes really easily, but the constant coughing with no other symptom never returned….until now. Those two months that he had this as a baby were some of the darkest days of my life. I know it doesn’t seem serious…but imagine your 14 month old coughing and throwing up…every single night and nap for almost 2 months. It becomes a bit life-altering. So to revisit this again (even in a slighter form) is like reliving a nightmare for me. I just want to know what it is and I want it to go away. And I think some sleep would really help me at this point. My nerves are shot.

So I got an antibiotic today. As I got home and unloaded the car (after hauling both kids to the doctor and the store to get the prescription) I dropped one of the many things in my hand…it was the prescription. It was in a glass bottle. It shattered.

The price on the bag was $166.00 (that is if you don’t have insurance). I was fearing that my insurance would not cover another bottle for me…since I broke the one I got for $10. I got a really nice guy at the pharmacy and he called the insurance company and got another bottle for me. Praise the Lord, because really…I was not going to pay $166 for something I had one moment before for $10. My husband complained about having to spend $10 more…I, however, thought $20 total was a great bargain over $166. But then again…he hadn’t had the morning, nor night that I had.

So that is it. Landon is consuming my life. There is no break…ever. Every nap, every night…cough, cough, cough. The mere sound of that noise puts anxiety in my bones. I am sick of it…I hate it. I want it to go away.

Mix in my first to last grad week with that and you have my life. I know this is nothing in light of what so many people go through. I think of that often…I really do. How parents take care of chronically ill children. My life is easy and I know that. But right now it doesn’t feel that way. It feels overwhelming and never-ending. Thirteen days of little sleep. Please let this antibiotic work!

Sorry folks, I have nothing else. This has been my life for just about the past two weeks and unfortunately, I have nothing else to report and no deep thoughts to share. Aside from the fact that the thing about parenthood is that once you enter it, you can’t ever exit it…not even for a moment. Sometimes I wish I could shelve it, even just for a few minutes. No responsibility. No nothing. Not that I don’t want to be a parent…I just want a moment. Just one.

EDIT: K, so I wrote that last night during my breakdown and then I went to pick up the new prescription. When the girl went to ring it up it wouldn't go through, so she went and asked the manager guy about it. He looked at the name and at me...and then winked and said, "Don't ring it up." In other words, my insurance company DID decline giving me another bottle. But this nice man that I had talked to earlier decided that he would give me one anyway. It may be shady...call it what you may. But that guy was the hero in my very bad day. And I told him so as I left the pharmacy.

Today has dawned a tad brighter. Landon coughed all night and Noah, who has consistently been sleeping through the night for months, woke up 4 times, but my mom came today. I am at the library doing grad school and reveling in the quietness of my thoughts and the feel of nothing in my arms aside from a highlighter in my hand. This will pass...I know that. And in the scheme of things it is so insignificant. But I am tired...so please allow me my ramblings.